A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a
computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and
cheaper than a doctor.  Simply put in a sample of your urine and
the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do
about it. It only costs $10.00."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer
started making some noises and the various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labour
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He
mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again
made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs
Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant
It ain't yours - get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off
Your tennis elbow will never get better.        

------------------------------------------

There's a drunk at one end of a bar, and a woman in a tight low-cut black 
dress at the other end. The woman has her hand raised, waving for the 
bartender, and she has an incredibly hairy armpit. 
The drunk yells out "Give me a drink, and give a drink to the ballerina at 
the end of the bar"
The bartender says "how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The drunk says "Who else could get her leg up that high?"

------------------------------------------

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to 
perform anymore. He goes to the doctor and his doctor tries a few 
things but nothing seems to work. Finally his doctor refers him to a
witch doctor. 

The witch doctor tells him "I can fix this", and throws some powder on a 
flame, and there is a flash with billowing smoke. The witch doctor says, 
"This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" 

The guy asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" 

"All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will
not work again for a year!" 

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the 
good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123", and suddenly he
gets an erection. 

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?


--------------------------------------------


               50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
    other passengers.
 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
    "Shutup, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
    elevator.
 7. Shave.
 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
    "Got enough air in there?"
 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear yours
    upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall without
    getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
    open,then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
    coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and
    ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
    open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
    "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
    announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:  "Oh, not
    now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
    of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
    "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
    beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
    other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
    wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
    body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Arghh...cooties!"

                               
  -----------------------------------------------------


     30 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO
                       FAIL IT ANYWAY.

 1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got
    the secret documents!!"
 2. Talk the entire way through the exam.  Read questions aloud,
    debate your answers with yourself out loud.  If asked to stop,
    yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking."  Then
    start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
 3. Bring a Game Boy.  Play with the volume at max level.
 4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
    answer every question.  For example: I refuse to answer this question
    on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs, OR, i 
    refuse to answer this question in the chance it may inciminate me. 
    Be creative.
 5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically.  Breathe a sigh
    of relief.  Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to
    leave the country" and run off.
6.  15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very
    small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas."
    If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you
    lost the first one.  Repeat this process every 15 min.
7.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
    head, and nothing else.
8.  Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
    Be as vulgar as possible.
9.  Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
    Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it, nothing more
    nothing less
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another
    seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it.  As you walk out, start
    commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam.  20 min into it, throw your papers down violently,
    scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the
    instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
    after one hour to go for a drink.)
15. Show up completlely drunk (completely drunk means at some point
    during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak.  After about 30 min, put
    on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the
    opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs
    you could possible think of.  Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
    equations.  If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own
    life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol.  Put it right next to you. 
    Pray to it often.  Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you.  Desks, chairs,
    anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet.  Hand it in.  Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam.  Stuff at least 2 rice
    cakes into your mouth at once.  Chew, then cough.  Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down.  About 5 min into it, loudly say
    to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.  I've been to
    every lecture all semester long!  What's the deal?  And who the
    hell are you?  Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language.  If you don't know one,
    make one up.
27. Bring a black marker.  Return the exam with all questions and
    answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly.  If the instructor asks
    why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that
    goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a 
    clapper - DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
    Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop.  When they finally
    get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to
    the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
    question, ask for the answer.  Try to work it out of him/her. 


------------------------------------------


A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the
woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet,
as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
  
"Yes it is," the man replies.
  
You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
  
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues.  "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the
position he is in.  "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.  
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the
closet with her little boy.
  
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
  
"Yes, it is," replies the man.
  
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
  
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage.
  
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
  
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get
your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
  
"I can't, Dad. I sold them," replies the little boy.
  
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to
hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
  
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
  
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's theft! I'm taking you
to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
  
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
  
"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest says.

-------------------------

This bloke decides to have a party and invites lots of people,
telling them to bring their friends.  On the invitation he puts
"themed party - come as a human emotion".  On the night of the
party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a
bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on
his chest (in another colour).  He says to this guy "Wow, great
outfit, what emotion  have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm
green with envy".  The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and
have a drink".   A few minutes later the next guest arrives and
the host opens the door  to see a woman covered in a pink
bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate
parts.  He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion
have you come as?" and she replies, "I'm tickled pink".  The
host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".  A
couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time
and the host opens the door to see two black guys,
start-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of
custard and other with his penis stuck in a pear.  The host is
really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you
think you look like, you could get arrested for standing like
that out here in the street.  What emotion is this supposed to
be?"  The first guy replies (in a strong west indian accent),
"Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in
despair."

-----------------------------------

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the
country store when a dusty old cowboy rode up.  He tied up in
front of the saloon, walk around behind his horse, lifted its
tail and kissed the horse full on its asshole.  Repulsed,
one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do
THAT?"   To which the cowboy reply, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel
better.  "No, but it stops me from licking them!"

------------------------------------
Three men are sitting at a table. Each man is holding his head, trying
to contain the pain of an obviously terrible hangover. 
The first man pipes up and says "Man, I had the worst night last night
....I got drunk, my car was stolen, I walked four miles home to find 
out that I had lost my keys, so I had to break into the house, then I 
blew chunks all night. He then returns to a low whimpering.

The second man says "No way, man, that's bad, but my night was REALLY 
bad....I got shitfaced, drove my car into a telephone pole, got thrown in 
the drunktank for the night, and was late for work this morning, so I
lost my job". 

The third guy looks at them both, and says "Well, I got shitfaced at 
the company party, I punched the boss, lost my job, my car was broken 
into, then when I got home, I found that my house had been completely
cleared out and my wife had left me for my brother".

There is a moment's silence, then the first guy says:

"No, no, guys, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog...."


---------------------------------------------

Mickey Mouse goes to see his lawyer about getting a divorce from Minnie
Mouse.  "You wont get a divorce on the grounds that Minnie's got buck 
teeth" says the lawyer.
 
"I didn't say she had buck teeth," replies Mickey, "I said she was
fucking Goofy!"

-----------------------------------------------