A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.  The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer
to help pull him out to safety.  The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer
can't be found.  So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole
and ties some rope around the bumper.  He then throws the other end of
the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him
from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken  fell into the mud hole.  The chicken yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer.  The horse said, "I
think I can stand over the hole!"  So he stretched over the width of the 
hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."  And the 
chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

---------------------------------------------

5 black birds

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.  The teacher says,
"Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence.  You pick up your
BB gun and shoot one.  How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!"

The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?"

The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away
scared, leaving none on the fence."

The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.  One is
licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it.
How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies,
"Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding
ring, but I do like the way YOU think!!"

--------------------------------------

Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation,
so he goes to his local brothel.  He enters and finds the madam.  As it's
the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese
and doesn't know a word of English.

"I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry.
So they proceed upstairs and get down to business.  As Victor is going
full whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!"  To which
Victor assumes that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues
unperturbed.

The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective
Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can.  Just
then, the client T's off and gets a whole in one.  This gives Victor the
opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase...
"Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the client replies,

"Wrong hole?  What do you mean wrong hole?"

----------------------------------------

Long ago a king had a beautiful daughter.  Not wanting to marry her off
to just anyone, he issued a proclamation all over the land that anyone who
wished to marry the princess would have to pass a difficult challenge.
Weeks passed and no one came to try their luck.  One day a gallant,
handsome prince rode up on his steed and declared that he would accept the
challenge for the hand of the fair princess.

The king took him outside and pointed to 3 large tents that were set up.
"In the first," he said, "are 10 of the world's most difficult puzzles.
You must solve each of them.  The second tent contains a large grizzly bear
with an infected tooth.  You must pull it.  And the third tent contains my
most discriminating concubine.  You must make love to her and give her
pleasure."

The prince nods his understanding and goes into the first tent. 
Several days later he emerges, eyes bleary from lack of sleep, walking
like a zombie.

"All done with those," he said, and staggered into the second tent.
Moments later, the most hideous, awful growls, snarls, roars, and shrieks
came from the tent.  The tent shook until it was ready to collapse.
Finally the prince staggers out, cut, scratched, bloody, and pretty torn up.

"OK," he said, "now where's that lady with the bad tooth?"

----------------------------------------

This guy (always with the 'this guy!) goes into a whorehouse, and heads
for the madam.

"Ma-am, I'd like a whore, please"
"Sure", says the madam, and shouts upstairs "Harry, grease up Helen", and
turns back to the guy "That'll be a hundred bucks"

"Oh dear", he replies "I haven't got *that* much"
"Okay" and shouts upstairs again "Harry, grease up Mildred....that'll be
50 bucks."

"I'm sorry, I haven't even got that much"

"Fine...Harry, grease up Beverly...that's 25 dollars"

"Nope, I haven't got 25 dollars."

The madam is losing patience. "Well, how much HAVE you got ?"

"2 bucks"

She sighs and shouts upstairs "Harry, grease up."

------------------------------------------

This woman walks into an adult boutique.

She walks up to the clerk and the clerk notices that she seems to be
shaking all over.  He's wondering if she's ill or something.

She asks him, "D-D-D-o-o-o y-y-y-ou sell 10" v-v-v-ibrators ?".
He tells her, "Why, yes we do.".

So she asks, "Are th-th-th-ey 6" around and made by ACME adult 
nov-nov-elties?"
The clerks answers, "Yes thats the model we sell."

"Well", she says, "How d-d-o-o you turn the d-d-damn thing OFF ! "


-----------------------------------------------

"Father, I have a special report due tomorrow, can I ask you a question?"
asked a boy of his father.

"Sure, what is your question?"

"What is Politics?"

"Well, let me explain in the terms you may understand.  I am the wage
earner, we call me Capitalism.  Your mother is the administrator of money,
so we call her Government.  We take care of your needs, and we call you
People.  The maid is the Working Class and your young brother is the
Future."

That night the boy was awakened by the cries of his younger brother.
He went over to see what was wrong and found that the child had dirtied
his dipers.  In his parents' bedroom his mother was asleep. 
He went down and knocked on the maid's door, but no one replied. Through
the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.

The next morning the boy came to his father.  "Father, I think I
understand what Politics is."

"Good, then tell me." said the father.

"Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the
Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and
the Future is full of shit."

---------------------------------------------------

1.  In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first
    time are teenagers.
     
2.  Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
     
3.  Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought
    he might be retarded.
     
4.  In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
     
5.  About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still
    sitting on it. (Who studied this, how'd they study it, and why?)
     
6.  You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any
    other weather.
     
7.  An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
     
8.  Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have
    recently eaten bananas.
     
9.  Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
     
10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
     
11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
     
12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early
    1500's.
     
13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in
    2000 B.C.
     
14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
    coffee.
     
15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
     
16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
    pants.
     
17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
     
18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones -
    Bhutan.
     
19. Every person has a unique tongue print.
     
20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
     
21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
     
22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures
    of the pets in their wallets.
     
23. Bubble gum contains rubber.
     
24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
     
25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
     
26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in
    Jello.
     
27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
     
28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
     
29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
     
30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over
    his head.  That explains why he was deaf.
     
31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
     
32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South
    Bend, Indiana.
     
33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more
    money.
     
34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
     
35. Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze.
     
36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
     
37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President
    Bush in 1991.
     
38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the
    Western Pacific.
     
39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
     
40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
     
41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
     
42. Mosquitoes have teeth.
     
43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
     
44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
     
45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ,
    Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. And now a fourth: Bill Clinton.
     
46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
     
47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
     
48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless
    existential hell."     
    Now, once they get out of college and have to start pulling their own
    weight and stop navel gazing...
     
49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when
    patients would die.
    
50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant
    "plenty of excrement."
     
51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
     
52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

-------------------------------------------