Top Tips
--------

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them.
This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later
be used for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes
a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering
wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus
chatting casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found
that the subsequent diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2
days.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the
wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary
match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the
source of the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix
your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the
hell you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time
you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of
the front window.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping
them in the garage.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can
see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can
give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by
simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative,
but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them.  The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. Unless you have a red
carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by
simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

IF A SMALL CHILD is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

HOUSEWIVES: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They
may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights
on when their guide dog isn't looking.

RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for
midgets.

GIRLS. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,
lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at
you over the fence.


---------------------------------------------

GCSE Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES
Time allowed 3 hrs.

Attempt all questions.  If you do not know the answer to a particular
question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro
onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it.
You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote
on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to frighten
the other candidates into thinking that you must have written loads.
Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into
the answers to every question.  At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make
the invigilator jump.  With three minutes to go, suddenly realise there are
4 more questions on the back of the page that you haven't spotted.
You are going to fail.

 Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't
   stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your
   answer: a)  Why they are unable to kick a ball straight b)  What you
   wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.

2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.
   Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for
   recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for
   it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all
   feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at
   your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend.
   a) Sex Boat	b) Three Into One Will Go   c) King Dong 
   d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.


Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What
   apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a
   fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to
   describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a
   pub with a match.

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension
   5 years earlier.  Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to
   your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who
   worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo
   and the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone driven
   either.


------------------------------------------

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective

I.  There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
    the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
    Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for
    Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to
    the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of
    3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes,
    presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
    different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
    travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
    967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
    household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second
    to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the
    stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
    whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
    jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.  Assuming that
    each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth
    (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the
    purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles
    per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
    bathroom stops or breaks.  This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650
    miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
    comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe,
    moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can
    run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III.The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
    Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego
    set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not
    counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no
    more than 300 pounds.
    Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the
    normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -
    Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not
    counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly
    seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the
    monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air
    resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as
    a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
    reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
    each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
    exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms
    in their wake.  The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within
    4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached
    the fifth house on his trip.  Not that it matters, however, since
    Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650m.p.s. in
    .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's.
    A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to
    the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly
    crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of
    pink goo.

V.  Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas!

---------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in a bath
tub?

A woman in a church has hope in her soul...

------------------------------

A scantily dressed girl goes to confession.  "Father, I called a man a
son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

----------------------------------------------

Jesus is hanging up on the cross, and all of his followers have
gathered around to mourn and comfort him in his predicament.  Slowly
but surely he is dying, but still he manages to keep his head held
high.  Guarding him are a troup of Roman centurions.

"James, my brother," Jesus said, "Come here!"

"Yes, Jesus," said his brother.  But as James came closer to the
cross, the centurions grabbed him, chopped off his arms, and threw
him back into the crowd.

"James, my brother," Jesus said again, "Come here!"

Even without his arms, and with all the loss of blood, James, loyal
forever to his God and his brother Jesus, steped forward again.
"Yes, Jesus?" he asked.

But again, the centurions grabbed him, and this time they chopped off
his legs and threw him back into the crowd.

"James, my brother," Jesus said, "Come here!"

Now, just a mangeled blood sausage-torso, James, loyal to the end,
rolled himself forward down the hill and came to rest at the foot of
Jesus' cross. 
The centurions looked at him, and, deciding that he could do no harm
in his current state, they let him lay there.  "I have come, my lord
Jesus," said James, with his last breaths.

"James, my brother," Jesus said, "I can see our house from up here!"

------------------------------------------------


THE HONEYMOON

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high 
school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the 
family business of Rust-Collecting.

One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating.
They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like
Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding 
night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride
to an actual, money-paying Motel.  When they arrived, his wife went into
the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out
of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and
tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin."

The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and
threw her into the back of his pickup truck.  He screeched to a stop in
front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there.
He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes
filled with tears.  His Dad comforted him and said, 

"You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad.  A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she
wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"
     
 ------------------------------------------

A couple are playing golf one day when the woman takes her shot and it
slices towards a house. The couple feel really bad and decide they ought
to investigate.

They go up to the house and shout out but get no response. They go inside
to find a man sitting on a couch wearing a turban.  The lady asks,

"Do you live here?" to which the man replies:

"No, a ball came through the window, knocked down that vase and
released me."

"Are you a genie?" the lady asks, to which he replies he is.

He says, "As you released me I'll grant you two wishes and keep the third
one for myself."

The couple agree and for their first wish ask for a scratch handicap
at golf. The genie clicks his fingers and says, "DONE".

For the second wish we want to earn over ?1million a year every year until
we die.

"DONE," says the genie with a click of his fingers.
He then says that for his wish he wants to have his way with the wife,
seeing that he's granted them their two wishes. After discussing it the
couple agree to it.

The genie then does the deed and as they are getting dressed the genie
asks the woman,

"How old are you?"

"29," she says.

"And how old is your husband?"

"31," she says

"How long have you been married?

"Three years," she replies

"And how long has he believed in this genie crap then?"

---------------------------------

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says,

"No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't dirty."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down
the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts
playing Gershwin songs.  And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
before.  That hamster is truly good on the piano."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the
frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and
great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and
offers him ?300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog.

The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are
you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for ?300? It must have been
worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

--------------------------------

This guy goes to a baseball game, orders a hot dog, and sits down
eating it. Pretty soon, another guy comes over and says:

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

The first guy says, "No, sit down."

"Thanks a lot," says the second guy, "because I'm a leper, and a lot
of people have a strong aversion to us lepers."

"No problem."

A couple innings go by and the leper looks over at the guy who had eaten
the hot dog. He has become violently ill, heaving his guts all over the
place.

"I knew I'd make you sick," says the leper, "I'm gonna leave."

"No, it's not you," says the guy, "just sit down."

The leper sits back down.
A couple more innings pass and the leper looks over to see the guy still
heaving his guts.

"I know I'm making you sick," says the leper, "I'm gonna leave."

"No - it's not you. Just sit back down," the guy says.

The leper sits back down.  Ninth inning comes. By this time the guy has
dry heaves. The leper stands up, looks at the guy, and says:

"Look, I know I've been making you sick. Tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna bow my head and walk out of here so you can enjoy the last
remaining minutes of this game."

"No, no, it's not you. Sit down," the guy says.

So the leper sits back down.  Finally, the leper says:

"Look, if it's not me, I gotta know - what's been making you sick?"

"It's the guy behind you," says the other guy. "He keeps dipping his
nachos in your back."

----------------------------------------

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible violations of the laws pertaining to DWI.

At closing time, a number of slightly inebriated people weaved out of the
bar, potential suspects all, but then one came out who had the officer
rubbing his hands in anticipation.  The fellow stumbled out of the bar,
tripped on the curb, and tried his keys on five different cars before he
found his own. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys
for several minutes.  It took him so long that, even though he was the
first to leave the bar that night, he was the last to leave the parking
lot.
 Finally he was able to start his car, and he began to pull away.

The officer was waiting.  He followed the car for a while, then he pulled
the driver over, read him his rights, and administered a Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.  The puzzled officer started to take
down his details anyway, just to record the case.  The moment he began,
however, the driver sobered up, instantly and totally.

"Name?"

"My name is Reginald Roger Smith III"

"Occupation?"

"I am a professional decoy."