To the tune of "Common People" by Pulp.....

She came from space, she had a taste for custard
She fell over and got very flustered
That's when she
Waved at me
She told me that her name was Laa Laa
I just smiled at her and said "Ha ha" Cos it rhymed
And then in twenty minutes time
I said

I want to live like the Teletubbies
I want to go wherever Teletubbies go
I want to play with Tinky Winky
I want to play with Dipsy, Laa Laa and Po
And then, what do you know?
She said....."Eh-oh!"

She took me to a flowery golf course
I don't why, there were rabbits everywhere
Or were they...hares?

There was a windmill and a funny lady
And the sun looked rather like a baby
That laughed
And it wasn't the only one laughing
How bizarre, I said...

I want to live like the Teletubbies
I want to eat whatever Teletubbies eat
I want to pig out on Tubby-custard
I want to munch Tubby-toast ten times a week
But they didn't understand
They just smiled and all held hands

Wear a hat upon your head
Get a handbag that's bright red
Love your friends and give them hugs
Pretend you've never taken drugs
Still you'll never get it right
Cos when you're all tucked up at night
Watching Noo Noo sweep the floor
You can switch it off or watch Channel Four

You'll never live like Teletubbies
You'll never see whatever Teletubbies see
Never have a telly on your tummy
Never get paid a wad from the BBC
Or dance and drink pink goo
Because you've better things to do

Sing along with the Teletubbies
Sing along and you might not feel so blue
Dance along with the Teletubbies
Even though they're much better dancers than you
And do the silly things that they do


------------------------------------

   TEN ANSWERS MEN WOULD LIKE TO GIVE TO WOMAN'S STUPID ARSE QUESTIONS

						.....But Never Will


   1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex

   2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking
      ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat

   3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

   4. No, I won't be gentle

   5. Of course you have to swallow

   6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time

   7. I hate your fucking friends

   8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of >speaking
      to you after tonight.

   9. I'd rather watch a porno

  10. Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to fuck it.

---------------------------------------------

   An English Taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian
   bush when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer
   swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender:
   "May I have a gin and tonic please my good man."

   One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, what kind of a fucking
   man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, he shouts: "Hey
   you! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic. Are you a
   poofter or something?"

   "Ac_... actually," the Englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a
   taxidermist."

   "Oh yeah" said the local, "and what's a taxidermist, then?"

   "I mount d...d- dead animals" said the Englishman.

   "It's alright," said the local turning to his mates, "he's one of us!"


----------------------------------------

  Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK.

  The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the
  sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water
  and doing a splendidly thorough job.  As he was drying his hands (with
  lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular
  "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the
  bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.

  The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed
  his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a
  splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with
  only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular,
  "At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned
  to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the
  bathroom with a purposeful air.

  The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past
  the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In Australia, we're
  taught not piss on our hands."

---------------------------------------

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1.  COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
2.  BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3.  DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4.  WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5.  DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6.  YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7.  IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8.  IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
9.  IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR
    TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

------------------------------------
A couple tried for a while to conceive a child but had no luck. So, they
went to the doctor. The doctor advised them to continue trying on their
own, but they were sure there was a clinical reason for infertility.

So the doctor examined the woman, ran a few tests, and determined she could
in fact get pregnant. The doctor then wanted a sperm sample from the man.
He gave the couple a sealed sterile jar, and sent them into an exam room
to get the sample. 

They were in the room for an hour, and it was time for the clinic to close
when the couple came out. They looked very embarrassed, and produced an
empty jar. The doctor looked at the jar, looked at the couple, and asked
if there was some problem. The man looked at the ground and said, 

"Well, doc, I hate to admit I had a problem with this. I tried, but
my hands are really tired. I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right
hand, I tried with both hands, nothing. So my wife tried to help me, and
then SHE tried with her left hand, and tried with her right hand, she 
pulled and pulled, but it just didn't help.

Then we found some Vaseline in a cabinet. She rubbed it really good
under the edge but that didn't help either. She tried using her mouth, but
after trying that for a while, she just ended up with a sore jaw. We
couldn't figure out what else to do, so we came out here." 

The doctor said, "Do you often have a problem with impotence?"

The man said "Impotence!? Hell no, doc, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

---------------------------------

Three men. English man, Scottish man and Irish man, are in the docks at
Liverpool, trying to get to America to start a new life, the only
problem being that they can't afford to pay the plane fare, so the
English man, after a few moments thought comes up with a plan to get to
America for free, he walks off and finds Three sacks, all the same size,
and says to the others get inside and wait to be picked up, put into the
plane, if someone comes and kicks you, pretend your something and before
you know it, we will be in the sun in America.

The others thinking this is a great idea to get into there new country to
there new life, get into there sacks. After about an hour, the security
officer comes to check the goods so that they can be loaded on the
plane, and sees the three sacks, he walks over and sees one moving, so
instinctively he kicks it, inside, the English man jolts, then quickly
barks like a dog in pain.

The security hears this and presumes its a dog so he goes over to the
other bags and does the same again, but not as hard as by now he's
feeling a little guilty, once again the bag jolts and the Scottish man
purrs like a cat, the security man happy with the noise moves along to
the third bag, once again he kicks it, the bag jolts, inside the Irishman
shouts "POTATOES!".

**************************************************

A man with a 12 foot long dick goes to visit the doctor. He says
"Doctor, I'm taking a girl out tonight. It's my first ever date and I'm
not sure what to do with my dick. Some people find it rather terrifying."

The doctor looks at the man pensively and finally advises him to paint it
red, white and blue and hang it around his neck like a scarf.

The man thanks the doctor for his advice and leaves to prepare for his
hot date at the cinema. Everything goes according to plan at the cinema
and the couple begin to get amorous. Suddenly half way through the film the
lights in the auditorium are switched on and a loud voice booms from the
PA system: "Will the man with the red, white and blue scarf sitting on the
back row, please stop flicking ice cream over the other patrons."

***************************************************

There is an Englishman, an Irishmen and a Scottishman in a Nazi war
camp. They are all to be put to death, so the Nazi guard goes up to the
Englishman and asks how he would like to die. The Englishman says that
he would like to be hung, so the guard hangs him. Next the guard asks
the Scottishman how he would like to die and he says that he would like
to have his head cut off, so the guard chops his head off. Then the
guard asks the Irishman how he would like to die and the Irishman says
he would like to be infected with the aids virus, so the guard infects
him and the Irishman drops his trousers and says "Hah, I've got a condom
on"

****************************************************