You think YOU have problems using your computer...??
 
 Here's an (allegedly) actual dialog from a former Wordperfect Customer Support
 employee:

  "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
  ...."Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
  "What sort of trouble?"
  ...."Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
  went away.",
  "Went away?"
  ...."They disappeared."
  "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
  ...."Nothing."
   "Nothing?"
   ...."It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
   "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
   ...."How do I tell?"
   "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
   ...."What's a sea-prompt?"
   "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
   ...."There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
   type."
   "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
   ...."What's a monitor?"
   "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does
   it have a light on the front?"
   ...."I don't know."
   "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
   power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
   ......"Yes, I think so."
   "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
   into the wall."
   ......"Yes, it is."
   "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
   two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
   ......"No."
   "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
   other cable."
   ......"Okay, here it is."
   "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
   back of your computer."
   ..."I can't reach."
   "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
   ...."No."
   "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
   ....."Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle- it's
   because it's dark."
     "Dark?
   ....."Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is
   coming in from the window."
   "Well, turn on the office light then."
   ....."I can't."
   "No? Why not?"
   ...."Because there's a power outage."
   "A power...  A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
   Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
   computer came in?"
   ...."Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
   "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
   it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
   from."
   ......."Really? Is it that bad?"
   "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
   ....... "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
   "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

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Three canaries sat in a cage, one at the top, one in the middle and one
at the bottom. Which one owns the cage?
The one at the bottom, because the other two are on "higher perches".

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A man walks into a bar with a pitbull terrier, the barman say's: "You
can't come in here with that, it's a lethal weapon."
The man replies: "No, no, he's harmless really, watch this."
The man proceeds to take out his penis and put it in the dogs mouth.
He then grabs a two by four plank of wood and smacks the dog over the
head.
The dogs jaws do not budge and the man says " Would anybody else care to
try that? " A little old lady in the corner of the bar stands up and
says: " OK, I will, but don't hit me over the head too hard!"

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Did you hear about the Irish cat?
It had a shit and buried itself!

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What did the blonde call her pet Zebra?
Spot!

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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

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An Irishman walks into a whorehouse and says to a hooker
"What can you do for 25p?"
The prostitute says "Piss off round the corner you twat and have a wank"
The Irishman goes outside. He comes back in 3 minutes later and says
"That was good, now who do I pay?"

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A teacher is talking to her class full of infants "If your mother was a
bird, what sort would she be?" she asks the children.

The first child says - "If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a dove",
"That's nice" said the teacher, "why's that?"
Because she's beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove" says the
little boy.

"If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a stork" says the second boy,
"Oh and why's that?" says the teacher "Because she's tall and elegant
and reminds me of a stork" says the boy.

"If my mummy was a bird she'd be a thrush" says the third boy
"why's that?" says the teacher "Because she's an irritating cunt!"

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Farmer Giles is getting a little bored of sex in the missionary position
with his wife Ethel. One day while reading a porno mag he comes across
an advert for a kinky sex house with the address of his good friend and
neighbour farmer Bill.
At his wits end with his wife he decides to go and check it
out. When he gets there he goes up to Bill and asks him for some information
on the types of sex available.

"Well Giles, I have three rooms and in each of these three
rooms is the most amazing sex you will ever have. Of course though room
one is the cheapest at ?20 per hour, room two is ?40 per hour and room
three is ?100 per hour."

"Wow" said Giles his eyes lighting up at the prospect of some incredible
sex.

"I'll take room one." he says. So, in he goes. Inside it is pitch black
and he walks forward until he bumps into something rather large with a
gaping hole in the middle for a dick.

He does the business and after an hour leaves and
says to Bill,
"Wow, that was incredible, the most amazing sex i have ever had. What
the fuck was in there?"

"Oh, that was my prize donkey, they don't make them like that anymore,
do they?"

"Wow" says Giles at the height of orgasm still, "see you next week."

And so for a few weeks Giles goes back and goes in to room one. Then
suddenly he begins to get a bit bored and decides to try the second room.

"Same for this one Giles, ?40 for one hour" says Bill, and in he goes.

After one hour later he comes back out and in an even nicer type of
orgasm.
"I bet your wondering what was in the there," asks Bill.

"Too fucking right." says Giles from his perch up on cloud nine.

"Well that was my prize cow, they definitely don't make them like that
anymore."

"No, they fucking well don't." Giles replied.
And so for a few weeks he uses room two. Then eventually he starts to
get bored and one day when Bill is at the market buying sheep Giles pays
his wife ?100 and goes into room three. He emerges an hour later and falls
into a coma with glee. He is rushed to hospital where they can not revive
him.
Bill's wife who went to the hospital goes home and tells Bill what had
happened. He has to sit down when he hears the news and as he does his 
wife asks him,
"Bill, what the fuck was in that room to make Giles come out in such
pleasure that he falls into a coma?"

"My milking machine," he replies "it doesn't stop until 24 pints."

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There were two lovers out on a lonely beach one evening, admiring the
stars. A bright light appeared, and a UFO landed right beside them.
Out climbed a man and a woman, saluting the earthly couple.  After an
hour of drawing in the sand and gesturing, they had decided that they
should do an intergalactic partner swap, so the alien man and the woman
from earth headed of in one direction, and the other two in the opposite.

When the alien man had undressed, the earthly woman started to laugh.
He had the smallest penis she ever had seen. Even though it were erect it
were smaller than her thumb. 

The man smiled a confident smile, and twisted his right ear. Swoosh!
The penis became longer and longer, until it were more 30 inches. The
woman gasped in awe, and gestured him to reduce the size until she thought
it would be just about what she could handle.

There was another matter though,
the width of the thing was still only as her thumb. He grabbed his
other ear and twisted it, and his organ grew wider and wider, until it 
was as thick as his arm. She made him readjust it to a somewhat more proper
size, and then threw herself at him, starting to have wild and passionate
sex with him.

About 8 hours later she headed back home, walking rather careful.
When she got back to the house, she found her ordinary lover sitting 
infront of the TV, drinking beer. "I had the best sex in my whole life!"
she exclaimed. "It was soooooo good, I never thought you could have sex 
like that. Well how was your night?" she asked.

"Like fuck!" he grumped angrily. "The bitch tried to twist my fucking
ears off !"

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