Once upon a time there was a Russian and an African who became pen-pals.
They had written letters to each other for more than 3 years, and often
mentioned that they would love to meet face-to-face.  Finally their big
chance came when the African got the chance to visit his buddy in Russia.

The day arrived, and the Russian met his African friend at the airport.
They immediately set out on a tour of Moscow, chatting away like old
friends. After a while they walked out on Red Square, and the African
noticed several Russian men standing around in a circle passing
something around. Curious, he asked what was going on down there.

"Ah, this is our national pastime, Russian Roulette.  Would you like to
see how it is played?"

The African indicated he would, so they stepped down to watch. As the
African looked on, each Russian man took up a .38 caliber revolver, spun
the chamber, pointed it as his head, and pulled the trigger.

Then he passed it on to another man. This went on for several minutes.

Finally the African said "I don't understand this game".

"It's really simple, the Russian said.  One of the chambers of the
revolver is loaded, but nobody knows which one.  If you land on that
chamber, then you're dead!"  He begins to laugh uproarously.

Nodding, the African indicates he understands, and they complete their
tour. Upon preparing to leave, the African makes plans for his Russian
friend to come visit him next year.

ONE YEAR LATER
The African meets his Russian friend at the airport, and quickly begins
to drive him back into the jungle to the village where he lives.  The
African is obviously excited about something.  The Russian, noticing it,
asks what is going on.

"You remember that interesting game called Russian Roulette that you showed
me when I visited you?" the African asks.
"Well, we've invented our own version called African Roulette!"

"Really?" asks the Russian.  "How's it played?"

"There are a bunch of guys about to start up a game now," the African
said as they arrived at the villiage.  "There they are now," he said,
pointing.

In the middle of a large clearing in this African village were 20 men,
arranged in a circle facing inwards.  Inside the circle was another
circle of 20 women facing outward.  The women were on their knees, while
the men were standing. All of the men and women are naked.  And standing
off to one side is an old man with a tom-tom (drum).

"OK, so what's going to happen now?" the Russian asked.

"You see the man with the drum?" the African asks.  "When he starts beating
the drum, the men start to rotate in a circle around the circle of women.
When the drum stops, each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of
him."

"But where's the fun, the excitement, the RISK?" the Russian says, gasping.
"It all sounds so tame."

"Ah..." the African says with a grin.  "What you do not yet know is that
ONE of those girls is from a tribe of Cannibals!"


--------------------------------

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared
in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men,
and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you
to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get
them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
                ____
               /    \
              |      |        O
               \____/

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"
(to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach.  I drew two circles like this:
                         ____
                        /    \
              O        |      |
                        \____/

and told them this (small circle) is your asshole before prison...


-----------------------

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie out for a
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.  It's a beautiful day and love
is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says:

"Pierre, kiss me!"

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?"  Shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red
meat I like to have red wine."

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.  So she
says. "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I
like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.  Marie
leans over once more and softly wispers into his ear:

"Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it
all over her pussy.  He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE WHAT ARE YOU
DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down
in flames!"

---------------------------------------------------------

Robin Hood Gag

"Look here" said Robin Hood, "I'm bored - let's play a game. Lets swap
the first letters of our names around and call ourselves by that
instead."

There was a chorus of agreement from almost everybody ....

Robin went first. "You can call me Hobin Rood" - a reasonable name of
course.

Then Little John. "You can call me Jittle Lohn" - a small ripple of
laughter was aroused.

Maid Marien said. "You can call me Maid Marien" - boring, boring, was
the general opinion.

Will Scarlett. "You can call me Sill Wcarlett" - everyone agreed this is
more like it.

Fryer Tuck said, "You can all PISS OFF I'm not playing the stupid game".

 -------------------------------------------------

Blonde Phone Call
 
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother overseas.

When the man tells her it will be $300.

She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother in Poland"!!!!

To that the man asks "Anything"??

And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow
me"... He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the
door"...

She does!!

He then says "Get on your knees"..

She does!!...

He then says "Take down my zipper"..
 
She does!!...

He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!! The
man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her
lips...She says:

"HELLO, MOM"????

---------------------------------------------------

True gag

From a radio program, true report of a happening in Oklahoma, USA (where
else!)

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly
payments.

He and a friend go duck hunting and of course, being winter, all the
lakes are frozen.  These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns,
the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.  They drive out onto the
lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, 
something for the decoys to float on.  In order to make a hole large enough
to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is
going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with
a short, 40 second fuse.

Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they
place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they
are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping
on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke
with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to light the 40-second fuse and
throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
beer, the guns and the dog?

Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially
things thrown by the owner.  You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high
rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the
burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell,
scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now.

The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.

One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is
loaded with &8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.  Dog stops
for a moment, slightly confused but continues on.  Another shot and this
time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course
scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.

He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on
the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.

BOOM !

Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake
in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the
Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened"
look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is not covered.  He had yet to make the first of those
$400+ a month payments.

Poor dog 

------------------------------------------------


A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle
laying in the street.  Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will
grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,
so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish.  When the Russian gets home he gets
a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.  He looks and the
glass and it's clear.  Looks like vodka.  Then he smells the
liquid.

Smells like vodka.  So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he
has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass
out of the cupboard and pisses into it.  He tells her to drink, it
is vodka.  Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.  It
is
the best vodka she has ever tasted.  The two drink and party all 
night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife
to get two glasses out of the cupboard.  He proceeds to piss in the
two glasses.

The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his
wife, "Natasha  grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
vodka."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his
wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you
drink from the bottle."

---------------------------------------------

   A little boy asks his mom, "Does Jesus use our bathroom?" His mom
   said, "Of course not, dear, why do you ask?" "Cause every morning
   daddy kicks the door and yells, "Christ! .. are you still in there?"

-------

   There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening,
   they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most
   times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the
   local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
   
   So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and
   go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his
   whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall.
   
   Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the
   whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he
   reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
   
   He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the
   hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | "
   on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night. The next
   morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he
   did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

   "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!" 

---------

Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?

A. Wave. 
---------

A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him.

"Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes.
What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says,

"I want a never-ending joint."

So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The
hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still
the same length.

Next the pixie says, "...And number two?"

The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!" 

---------------------------------------

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. 
As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty
city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting
there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!  So where you
staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot." 

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! 
The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced!
So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." 

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to
see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip.
You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe 
says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the
worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in
one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to
first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28
year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling.
It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard
tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5
minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down
as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that fucking haircut?'"

------------------------------------------