What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

How many men does it take to wall paper a room?
Depends on how thinly you slice them.

What do you call 200 men at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.

A boy says to his mother "Mother all the boys at school say I
have a small willie." The mother takes the boy to the doctor who
prescribes two pieces of toast and butter! The next day the boy
comes down to find toast everywhere. He asks "Mother what are you
doing?" She says "I thought I would make your dad some as well."

Men are like toilets.
Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

A man was trying to decide which of three women he would ask to
marry him. He gave them each =£31000. The first spent =£3900 on
clothes, and put =£3100 in the bank.  The second spent =£3500 on
clothes and put =£3500 in the bank. The third spent =£3100 on
clothes and put =£A3900 in the bank. Which one did he choose? The
one with the big breasts.

Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air in his brain.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of
their decisions.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

------------------------------------------


If I ever become an Evil Overlord

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
   not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
   anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
   Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
   Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or
   are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be,
   "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
   will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
   shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
   in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time
   during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
    labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
    destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
    prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
    enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident:
    I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy";
    I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
    in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
    implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom
    of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
    accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the 
    aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
    of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
    adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
    other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
    that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
    when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan
    into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
    scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
    twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage 
    he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
    one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
    advice.


-------------------------------------------------------------


English

Let's face it-English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2
indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you
bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run
and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent?  Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people
who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Well, that's it for now.
Gruss und das.

---------------------------------------------    

 A concerned bloke goes to see his doctor with a rather delicate
 problem. "Doctor", he says, "I've got five penises!"
 "Christ man" says the doctor. "How do your pants fit you?"
 "Like a glove", replies the bloke

------------------------------

 Why are women and condoms so similar?
 Because they're either on your dick or in your wallet.

------------------------------


 Two Sperm swimming along one says to the other "Is it much further
 yet, I'm knackered".
 The other one says "Miles yet, we've only just passed the tonsils"

-----------------------------

An eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old
Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into
the local saloon he asked a local, "what do you fellas do around here
for sexual entertainment?"

"Ya mean women?" asked the local yokel. "We aint got none. Round
here folks screw sheep."
"Thats disgusting" cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of
such moral degradation."
However, after a few months, the correspondents rocks were beginning
to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive.
So he finally went out and found himself a homely sheep, brought her
back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair.
 
After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into the bedchamber and
released his pent up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four
legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his
woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious
couple became the object of many stares.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "you've been
shagging sheep for years, but when I do it and make her look pretty
you look at me like I'm some sort of crazed pervert."
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but thats the
sheriff's gal!"

-----------------------------

Q.  One day there was a lipstick, a tampon and a condom walking down
    the street when they spotted a friend across the road.  The friend
    called out hello and waved to them. Out of the three who would have
    waved back first?

A. The lipstick (because the other two are stuck up cunts).

(These are VERY old - but I thought i'd include them anyhow)

   What's in a Michael Jackson burger?
   35 year old piece of meat between two 4 year old buns.


   How do the Jackson's know what time to go to bed?
   When the big hand touches the little hand.

   What does Michael Jackson do in the bath?
   Blows Bubbles.

   What did Michael Jackson think "Boys to Men" were when they first
   came out?
   A home delivery service.

   After becoming a father, Michael, his wife and the newly born
   farewelled the hospital, and headed home. Just as they were leaving
   however the doctor stopped them and asked if there were any questions.
   Saying no, the couple left. Five minutes later Michael returned on
   his own, and asked the doctor "I was just wondering how long we would
   have to wait before having sex?" The doctor replied, "About four years
   Michael!"