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(Allegedly) This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company,
of course, does not - and made the web department take it down
immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of
the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).
________________________________________________________________
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... / .......
4. Serial Number: .................................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
--------------------
WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER?
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are
actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it.
Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are
actually subconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far
away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel
compelled to dress in expensive suits with clean shirts and silk ties.
Polished shoes are another homosexual "tell-tale". These "men" often
have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxis, and
expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction, and are often
so insecure that they cannot bear to let a woman pay for a meal.
Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to
alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with
slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of
flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you
think they call them "love handles"?)
One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause
embarrassing rumours about you at home or school. Men on short
business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by
passion.
HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't be shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by
confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long.
Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery
to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat
larger than a ball-point pen. Those men who excede these dimensions
are few and far between. If your lucky enough to find one then keep
him happy: you are truly fortunate and should be very grateful.
HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable
thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for
up to forty-five seconds. Very occasionally you'll find a man who can
"last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your
girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second
wonders."
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words,
but most fulfilled, experienced women agree that it "feels like
something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or
mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled
lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal;
he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse,
you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that
"vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've
experienced a sexually memorable adventure.
WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.
WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes.
If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's
penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's
mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman
orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act.
WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have many ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied
sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and
you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a
football or cricket game immediately after climax. Many women find a
particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the
kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light
snack, sandwich, crisps and dip, to help her love restore depleted
calories.
WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man
properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she
tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him.
If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or
getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique
is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever
he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.
HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your
dress. Suspenders, fishnet stockings (black or red are both suitable
colours), lace-up basques and leather or rubber suits will all help
get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one."
Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take
part. Another technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous
names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell
you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends
an air of real "mystery" to the affair.
HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married,
on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity,
go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when
you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your
blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute,
can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and
things will naturally progress from here.
SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
"If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?" There is
absolutely no way to tell.
"WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO KEEP MY TEETH AND SKIN LOOKING HEALTHY AND SHINY?"
One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is
semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better
you'll look.
"WHAT ARE SOME LOVING 'NICKNAMES' WE CAN USE?"
You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King
Kong", "Master," or "stud". Men often call their favourite lovers, "Hey you"
or "Oi, slapper"
"WHERE SHOULD A MAN TAKE ME?"
Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy
meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for
a snack.
That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking
about.
Also, test your man by offering to pay for the meal - if he consents
you can be sure you have found yourself a real man, confident in his own
sexuality and not threatened by a financially independent woman. In these
circumstances it is customary for the woman to reward this concession on
the man's part by performing oral sex on him.
"WHAT HAPPENS IF HE DOESN'T CALL?"
He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to
your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another
person who sort of looks like him and maybe supports computer applications, or
works in City banking for a living.
---------------------------------
2 couples go on honeymoon together and on the 1st night the 2 blokes
are chatting about how they are looking forward to their 1st night with
their respective wives.
Both are bragging about how many times they will be able to get it
up and decide to go in competition with each other. They realize that
they will be unable to discuss it in front of their wives and as a
result devise a secret code where the number of pieces of toast ordered
in the morning represents the number of times they were able to do the
biz.
So the following morning comes and all 4 are sitting at the
breakfast table when the waiter asks them what they would like for
breakfast!
"Bacon & Eggs with 8 pieces of toast" grinned the first bloke.
"Poached eggs with 9 pieces of toast" declared the 2nd bloke - "and
you better make 2 of them brown please"
----------------------
Perhaps on of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language today is the word *fuck*. It is the one magical word which,
just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In
language, *fuck* falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used
as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was
fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a
passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is
fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It
can also be used as a adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an
interjection (Fuck, I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used
as a conjuction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see,
there are very few words with overall versatility of the word *fuck*.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used
to describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are you?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me running."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.....?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again...."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we?"
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fucking all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greeting "How the fuck are you?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here!"
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical descrition- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I end up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Bob Dole!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll!"
Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of the Space Shuttle Challenger
"What fucking map?"
Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her"
Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
Walt Disney
"Why?- Because it's fucking there."
Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its going to fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
John F. Kennedy
--------------------
Proving again that truth can be stranger than fiction....
"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my
house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in
Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps,
rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I
should have realized that."
Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had
become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house
keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped
fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and
told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory.
I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams
were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead
of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright
blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next
to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give
generously' and left me there.
People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very
good! very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free
me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking
my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut
me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped
the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time
wasn't entirely wasted."
-----------------------------
Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong
Kong:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on
the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a
thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team
up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
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