Those clever chaps in white coats have now discovered that blokes are
getting the genetic short straw - and that's why women are
highly intuitive while blokes have the nous of a brick wall.


Apparently it's all down to one gene on the X chromosome which is switched
on in women but not in men.
Hence they're automatically responsive to other people and social norms
while men aren't.
Well, now studies have produced definitive proof that male intuition does
exist!


Here's the list in full:


Men always know when a fight's about to go off in a pub - no amount of
Babycham can give you this knowledge, nor can it teach you to keep a wide
berth of the "nutter".

Men always know when a bloke doesn't want to talk - women cannot learn
this no matter how hard they try. It's an aura that can only be detected
if you have X and Y chromosomes.

Men can spot if a player is about to miss a penalty - every
Englishman was gutted at Southgate's excuse for a spot kick but they
weren't surprised.

Men can always tell when a bloke is spinning a line to get a woman into
bed. It's truly remarkable how many "highly intuitive" women will fall for
the same old crap time after time.

Men have geographical intuition that allows them to get so hammered they
can't stand up, yet still get home via The Sultan's Delight where they
will pick up a chicken and chilli kebab. They may spill this down their
shirt, but they never fail to get to their own front door. This has been
exhaustively tested with a 100% success rate.

Directions. Men are born with a mental index while women fall to pieces
when confronted with a map. This cannot be remedied by science.

Men can predict how long a journey will take, women's chromosomes mean
they can be out by hours, sometimes days.

Men always know when their mate is interested in their girlfriend -
although she hasn't a clue. It's not to do with body language or verbal
signs, it's the fact that most men know that their sex comprises
untrustworthy bastards.

Men can always find what they're looking for quickly in a shop. Women
have an extra hormone 'testashoperaround' which causes them to visit every
shop in the town and then return to the first one to buy the first item
they looked at.

Men can work technology. Women's chromosomal pattern, in conjunction with
the rare positioning of the "instruction leaflet" gene, means that they
are constantly flummoxed by the "putting two Duracells in a radio" test.

Men always know when their mate has got laid. He emits a rare coded
signal_or he buys drinks all round_or he tells anyone who'll listen.

----------------------------------------------------


Husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says:

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits,
then tells his wife:
"We'll take all three of them".
They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. He goes to the
Jewelery Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited
(she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care).
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says

"You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is
going on. She says

"I am ready to go, let's go and pay."

The husband says:
"No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey  - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You must not
be in tune with my financial needs as a Man..."

-----------------------------------------

Here is some evidence the gene pool may need a little chlorine:


Sign in a gas station:  Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed
on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would have it,
they matched.


At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card
readers at the checkout stands.  If you don't know how to orient your
card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say,
"Strip down, face toward me."
Editor's Note:  Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?


A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda."  The owner responded,
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large."
(Both cost 99 cents.)
The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type,
disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."
______________________________________________________

Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described
the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My boss said,
"Really?  Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of Elbonia.  He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
______________________________________________________

Advice for Idiots:

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees."

"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." 
______________________________________________________

Idiots in the Neighborhood

I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
'Deer Crossing' sign on our road.

The reason:  Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them
to cross there.

_______________________________________________________

Idiots and Computers:

My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers.  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal.  Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
_______________________________________________________

Idiots Are Easy To Please:

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the amount
of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.  Needless to say,
she was very disappointed.
_________________________________________________________

Idiots In Food Services:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg.
_________________________________________________________

Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her
for the holidays.  Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she
paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am,
that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat...  So every year
that you age, she only ages half a year?"  My co-worker thought about that,
and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

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**** So life goes on..... it ain't perfect, but attendance counts ****