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THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. Most dogs are immortal. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. The Chief of Police is always black. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds ...unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. ---------------------------- WHAT AM I???? THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. WHAT AM I??????? AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.......... .....TOOTHBRUSH......... what were you thinking pervert?¿ ------------------------------------------- 1) What's the difference between Michael Hutchence and Princess Di? Michael Hutchence remembered to do up his belt... 2) What weighs 6lbs and won't be plucked this Christmas Michael Hutchence's guitar 3) Why did Paula Yates leave Bob Geldof for Michael Hutchence? Hutchence is better hung. 4) Elton John is to sing at Hutchence's funeral. The tribute song will be.... "Dangle in the wind" 5) Why does Michael Hutchins prefer to stay at the Ritz Carlton when he's in Sydney? Because it is a cool place to hang out. 6) Why did Bob Geldof take up karate? Because he heard he could kill Michael Hutchence with a black belt. 7) Who's supporting INXS on their latest tour? The Stranglers 8) According to Paula Yates' police statement, she was on the telephone to Michael until all of a sudden he hung up! 9) What does Michael Hutchence have that Bob Geldof doesn't? A widow. 10)Following the tragic death of their lead singer, INXS are to re-record one of their classic top ten anthems, as a tribute and testament to the Australian rock idol. "Noose Sensation" will be out in time for Christmas. ------------------------------------ A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits on the bar stool, he notices a very small piano at the end of the bar being played by a little man who was only about a foot tall. The patron was amazed and said to the barman, "That is fantastic. Where did you get him?" The barman explained, "Well, I've only just taken over this place. As I was looking around in the beer cellar, I found a small lamp. When I gave it a rub, a genie appeared from the lamp and gave me a wish. This is the outcome." "Unreal. Have you still got the lamp? Do you think I could have a go?" asked the patron. "Sure. Go for it." said the barman. "The lamp is still in the cellar, just down those stairs." The patron went down to the cellar, gave the lamp a rub, made his wish and returned to his bar stool and beer. After a short while, the front window smashed in and a duck flew in and started flying around the bar. Then another duck flew in. Then another. Soon the bar was filled with ducks flying everywhere. "You know that genie you've got down there?" said the patron to the barman, "I reckon he's a bit hard of hearing." "Why is that?" asked the barman. "Well, I didn't exactly wish for a thousand ducks!" replied the patron. "No shit? Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" -----------------------------------------
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