"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
-------------------------------------

Plato:
For the greater good.

Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.

Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
also across you.

Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali:
The Fish.

Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but
it was moving very fast.

David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:
'cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored) reason.

Ronald Reagan:
I forget.

John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
opportunity.

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Sappho:
Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair
than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Joseph Stalin:
I don't care.  Catch it.  Crack its eggs to make my omlette.

Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening
its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client,
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution
strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its
skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to
align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support
of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road
analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with
deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a
two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to
enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve
the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting
and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes.  The meeting was
held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,
and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message
and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core
values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total
business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the 
chicken change to become more successful.





For those of a  Techie persuasion......

 How did the chicken cross the road?

 NT Chicken:
    Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

 OS/2 Chicken:
    It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet
    that nobody noticed.

 Win 95 Chicken:
    You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook
    it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

 Microsoft Chicken (TM):
    It's already on both sides of the road.  And it just bought the
    road.

 Mac Chicken:
    No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
    road, so there's no way to tell it to.

 Newton Chicken:
    Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it
    across the road in your pocket !

 Cray Chicken:
    Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it
    in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

 Quantum Logic Chicken:
    The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the
    road until you observe it on the side of your course.

 OOP Chicken:
    It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

 Assembler Chicken:
    First it builds the road ...

 C Chicken:
    It crosses the road without looking both ways.

 C++ Chicken:
    The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer
    to him on the other side.

 VB Chicken:
    USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

 COBOL Chicken:
    0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
    IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
       PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
       VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
          ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
    ELSE
       GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

 Delphi Chicken:
    The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

 Java Chicken:
    If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
    download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

 Web Chicken:
    Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

 Gopher Chicken:
    Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

 Lotus Chicken:
    Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !

 AlGore Chicken:
    Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing
    Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming
    he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.


------------------------------
reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, 
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys 
during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful 
witnesses:
     
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
   doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
     
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
     
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
     
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
   A: "No."
   Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" 
   A: "No."
   Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
   A: "No."
   Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
       began the autopsy?"
   A: "No."
   Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
   A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
   Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
   A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
      somewhere."
     
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
     
6. "Did he kill you?"
     
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
     
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
     
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
     
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
     
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"
     
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
     
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
    A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"
     
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
     
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." 
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
     
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
        which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
     
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
     
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
    A: "Oral."
     
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
        autopsy."
     
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
     
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."

------------------------------------------------

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch
@Galveston...

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.  He was hurt in
the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea)
(direathe) the shits.  [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't
know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend
with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had a cold and could not
breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the
best either, sore throat and fever.  There must be something going around,
her father even got hot last night.

Obviously, we lived a boring childhood in comparison!


----------------------------------
These 2 kids are arguing in the backyard whether girls are better than
boys..the girl says "girls are better than boys"..
The boy stands up, pulls down his pants and says
"no boys are better cause we have one of these"..
The girl runs inside the house crying...10 mins later the girl comes
back outside and says to the boy
"my mummy says girls are better than boys "..
The boy again stands up, pulls down his pants and says..
"No boys are cause you don't have one of these"..
The girl stands up, pulls down her pants and says..
"my mummy says as long as I have one of these then I can have as
many of those as I want"...

-------------------------------------