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          HOW TO GET RID OF JEHOVAH WITNESSES


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  * A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies
    of The Watchtower scattered around...

  * My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very
    sweet voice): "I'm sorry, I don't give a damn about Jesus." Worked
    everytime. The Witnesses just backed off the porch in slack-jawed,
    bug-eyed disbelief.

  * Agreed, we are not prepared for this one, but it has to be carried
    off perfectly. The more sincere you appear, the more baffled the
    Witness will be: Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say
    "Allah be Praised!!!" and just see what happens.

  * Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to Witnesses.
    For extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their
    car. Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill
    the witness. Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years.

  * The young couple came to my door. I was wearing my robe, and had
    just awakened. Now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking
    person anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie
    monster, I have hair all over everywhere. I made my eyes real
    piercing, and stared past them. I knew who they were, you can
    tell, they look so cute in their getup and their bland faces.  Well
    the female one obviously is supposed to do the introduction because
    she sort of panicked, and said:
    "We're...we're...we're..we're....we're...." And then she stared
    helplessly at the other one and he said: "uh... uh.... uh...
    uh..."I then did a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a
    very fast gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort
    of a mixture between Peter Lore and Lurch, I said: I... WILL...
    TAKE... YOUR... LITERATURE... AND... GIVE... IT... TO... MY...
    MASTER. The male one quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they
    were peddling.  They did not ask for a donation.  They ran.  It's a
    true story, and they never came back.

  * A friend claims that when Jehovah's Witlesses knock on her door,
    her first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why
    she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push
    her beliefs. So far, none of them have given their address. It
    also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!

  * A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you
    about God?" She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?"

  * JW ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow.
    Interrupts SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you
    wouldn't do that.
    SIW: Thank you, but I already have a religion.
    JW: May I ask what it is?
    SIW: I'd really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I'm not sure if
    it's legal in this country.
    Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back
    down the stairs.

  * I answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could
    you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet.

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How to Leave the Planet

1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's
   very important that you get away as soon as possible.

2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White
   House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at
   NASA.

3. If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin
   (ask overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any
   friends there either, (at least none to speak of), but they do seem to
   have a little influence, so you may as well try.

4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number
   is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.

5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and
   explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill
   arrives.

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DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the
courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"?
I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and
forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy
said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and
started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say,
"That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun
of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a
free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all
get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too,
and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.  For instance, let's say you're
an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned
into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just
slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it
with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the
face with it.  Man, I think my heart almost broke.  Later the boy came up
and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand,
but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag.
He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and
"ind".  What do these words mean?  It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said,
"I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant
teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
 solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but
A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make
a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics.
Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and
go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody
called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class
and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to,
but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the
Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house,
but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him
out.  Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family
run out of town.  Bye, Cricket Boy.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard
and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much,
but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to
the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.  It turned
out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out.  Everybody
left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect
gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then.  Plus, he broke his
leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most
of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory
from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls
are funny.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I
got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?"
When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should
make you feel that way.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

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