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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we
drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He
orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit
drinking."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, of course, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot finally spoke, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
AND THE YEAR'S BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES ARE......(all true examples)
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Never Withold Herpes Infection From Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
-----------------------------------
A BEER DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING MANUAL
Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually
pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt
is wet
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of
face
Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as
needed to perfect drinking technique!
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Turn glass other way so that *open* end points towards ceiling!
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly
to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as
compensation!
Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Floor swaying
Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey
game in progress in bar
Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt
Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not,
complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light
strips!
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Action: If your glass is full -- and no one is standing on your
drinking arm -- stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help
you up; attach self to bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen forwards
Action: See above
Symptom: Everything has gone dark
Fault: The pub is closed
Action: Panic!!!
Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see
anything in your bedroom
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter
Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat
yourself to a sleep-in!
-----------------------------------------
52 Good reasons why Beer is
better than women
1. You can enjoy a Beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine Beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play
football.
5. When your Beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another Beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a Beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a Beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A Beer won't get upset if you come home with another Beer.
14. If you pour a Beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A Beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one Beer in a night, and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a Beer with your friends.
18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a Beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a Beer in public.
22. A Beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid Beer is a good Beer.
24. If you change Beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
25. You don't have to wash a Beer before it tastes good.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a Beer.
27. When you're interrupted by a Beer, it's for a good reason.
28. A Beer is always satisfying.
29. A Beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A Beer won't tell you it's pregnant for fun.
31. A Beer doesn't have in-laws.
32. No matter what the package, a Beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a Beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a Beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. The only thing a Beer tells you is when it's time to go to the
toilet.
37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. It's okay to leave a party with a different Beer than you arrived
with.
39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a Beer.
41. A Beer chaser is easy to catch.
42. You don't need a licence to live with a Beer.
43. A tree is good enough for a Beer.
44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46. Beer and Ice don't mix.
47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation.
48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49. Beer is happy to ride in the boot of your car.
50. You never have to promise to respect a Beer in the morning.
51. Beer never complains about the wet spot.
52. You can put all your old Beers in one room, and they won't fight.
--------------------------------------------------
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bob! Bob! Come back with that! Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
Hey, what's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
Wow, that's so cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this is going to be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
Uh, this patient has already had some kids, right?
Don't worry. I'm sure it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A: With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside!
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a porcupine ?
A: A prick so big it makes your eyes water!
What have you got when you have a lawyer buried to the neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What is the difference between your first wife and your second wife?
The first had real orgasms and fake jewelry.
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows -- they never get the house.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.
Why doesn't a woman need a watch?
There is a clock on the stove.
Q. What do you do if you see a herd of elephants coming through your
window?
A. Swim for it.
Q: What's got 10 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The Spice Girls.
------------------
10 Things a Woman Will Never Say
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
5. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are
just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
-------------------------
Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP
address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your
line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out
how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt
contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your
children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the T-shirt for the joke of the week, you blurt out, "I
feel so "colon-right parenthesis!""
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's here!".
---------------------------
Rules To Be A Man (pretty long winded, but some amusing!)
1. Don't call her on the phone, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's better to let her figure
it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal,
such as "Spike".
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregnant, will you go out
with me?"
7. Drink Vernors. (Don't ask -- I haven't got a clue -- Shanee)
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt
will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your
fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask.
People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass
a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why,
just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know.
I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name with
urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend.
She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on
her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked
it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everthing. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if
any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't
have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything,
either pretend it's not true or kick some arse.
38. Political correctness is an unacceptable part of our society. Take it
upon yourself to personally eradicate it from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a
corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with
an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an
exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary; don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her
again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologise. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry or
you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you
don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you
don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP!
This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself.
Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please
you.
62. Don't ever notice anything.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say
anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love
with YOU, and then tell her.
64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66. Lie.
67. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've
done nothing wrong.
68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to
cry about, anyway?
69. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven
wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why
they are at fault - not you.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and
it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be
it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your
skills.
75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex.
Compare with others.
76. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77. Lie.
78. General Rule: Different is BAD.
79. If anyone asks you for a favour -- (a) make a big deal about how hard it
is for you to do it, (b) remind them of this huge favour you've done
for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk
to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you,
casually ask, "Is something wrong?"
82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to
you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me,
so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83. Lie.
84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the
girl how many different cars you've been laid in.
85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such
a pimp back then."
86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you
come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into
her Dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then
drive like hell.
87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else,
she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who
wanted to end the relationship.
88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89. Practise your blank stare.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your arse.
Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your arse.
91. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage
and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times.
You don't be asked to do it again.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try
your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and
do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to
do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part.
If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most
half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I
couldn't do it."
Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it
already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things
like, "No, baby, I was BORN like this!"
94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Oldies.
95. Beer. Then more beer.
96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97. One word: FOOTBALL!
98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the
inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99. Ditch your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with
"The Gang".
100. LIE.
---------------------------------------------
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are
coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have
something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle
and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I
guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know
how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work
and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist
says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says,
"Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too
sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?"
"The girls never showed up!"
__________________________________________
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies are okay.
The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it`s too risky to
operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room
in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and
this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her
it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells
her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says
the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet
came out.."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
-----------------------------------
Six reasons computers must be female....
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as:
If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
to tell you.
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
---------------------------------
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk
rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.
When he sees the old man looking at him, the punk rockers asks:
"What's the matter old man? You never did nothin' wild when you
were young?"
The old man replies "yeah. I fucked a parrot once. I thought
maybe you were my kid."
---------------------------------
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within
a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult
to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she
was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Dave,
an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Dave, it
was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he
wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have
a solution. Perhaps they could entice Dave to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex
with the gorilla -- for five hundred bucks? Dave replied that he might
be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Dave announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and
"Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from
this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third?
"Well," said Dave, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."
_______________________________________________
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