There was a businessman who was going on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that
sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized
sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to
please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't  really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except--"
and he stopped.

"Except what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick."

"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary
looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks
like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man  replied, "But  you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the  door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations,
and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the
old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent
once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. 

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered
to $700  in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a
special dildo and that  to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like
nothing she'd  ever experienced before.  After three orgasms, she decided
she'd had enough, and tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got
in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every
thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked
how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that
she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy,
and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and
then said.

"Yeah, right.............Voodoo dick, my ass!"

--------------------------------------------

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the
counter. She says, confused,

"Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for you wife?"

He answers, "You see it's like this:

Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes
and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper.....
so, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

-----------------------------------

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey,
there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. 
Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom,
and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the
interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber anyway?

So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow
him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back.
He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells
his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow
him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

-------------------------------

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss
comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, "Can you handle
it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive
comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little
while and a white woman comes in.

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

He answers, "?35."

She: "How much for the black one?"

He: "?35 for the black one, ?35 for the white one."

She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one

before."She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"

He: "?35."

She: "How much for the white one?"

He: "?35 for the white one, ?35 for the black one."

She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
     before..."

She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman
comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "?35 for the white, ?35 for the black."

She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you ?165."

She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've
never had a plaid one before...."

She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and
asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white
dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for ?165.

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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The flight attendant tells her that she must move to coach because she
doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "As long as
there's an available seat, I'm staying in first class until we reach
Jamaica."

The flight attendant gets the head flight attendant, who asks the woman
to leave. Again, she says "As long as there's an available seat, I'm
staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the
rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head flight attendant asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.

The co-pilot replies, "I  told her the front half of the airplane wasn't
going to Jamaica."

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