The Top 10 Reasons for Being...
  

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
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1.  When speaking fast you can sound gay
2.  Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time 
3.  You get to eat jungle food like snails and frog's legs
4.  If there's a war you can surrender really early
5.  You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on 
    Channel 4.
6.  You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries 
7.  You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8.  Germans march up and down your most famous streets humiliating your 
    sense of national pride
9.  You don't have to bother with toilets
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
     
     
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
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1.  You have a woman president without electing her 
2.  You can spell colour wrong
3.  You can call Budweiser beer
4.  You can be a crook and still be president
5.  If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything 
6.  If you can breathe calmly you can buy a gun
7.  You can invent a new public holiday every year
8.  You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems 
    to care.
9.  You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy" 
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. 
11. When you're not.
12. At all.
     
     
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
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1.  In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2.  Not embarrassed to wear fur.
3.  No need to worry about tax returns
4.  Glorious military history until 400 AD 
5.  Can wear sunglasses indoors
6.  Political stability
7.  Flexible working hours
8.  Live near the Pope
9.  Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair 
10. Be governed by Sicilian murderers
     
     
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
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1.  Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2.  The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees 
3.  You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc 
4.  The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5.  Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing. 
6.  Honesty
7.  Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in bright, tight 
    clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8.  Eating bulls' testicles
9.  Gibraltar
10. Fan of Argentina during the Falklands War.
    
     
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
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1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. In-built sense of pacifism
     
     
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
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1.  Chicken Madras
2.  Lamb Passanda
3.  Onion Bhaji
4.  Bombay Potatoe
5.  Chicken Tikka Masala
6.  Rogan Josh
7.  Popadoms
8.  Chicken Dopiaza
9.  Meat Boona
10  Kingfisher lager
     
     
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
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1.  You've got to be joking, right?
     
     


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
---------------------------------------------------------- 

1.  Guinness
2.  18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3.  You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road 
4.  Pubs never close
5.  Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican 
    Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have
    sex with a condom on.
6.  No one can ever remember the night before 
7.  Kill people you don't agree with
8.  Stew
9.  More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning 
    after a bout of sectarian violence.
     
     
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
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1.  It beats being an American.
2.  Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its 
    capital to the ground.
3.  You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4.  Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the 
    ground.
5.  Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 
6.  A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity 
    ratings will rise.
7.  Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the 
    ground.
8.  Kill Grizzly bears with huge #@!*-off shotguns and cover your house in 
    their skins
9.  Own-an-eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the 
    ground
     
     
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN: 
--------------------------------------------------------------------
     
1.  Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no other nation 
    would touch with a barge pole.
2.  Fosters Lager
3.  Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years 
    because you think it belongs to you.
4.  Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket. 
5.  Tact and sensitivity.
6.  Bondi Beach.
7.  Most other beaches in Australia.
8.  Liberated attitude to homosexuals 
9.  Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
---------------------------------------------------------------- 
1.  Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2.  Warm beer
3.  You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4.  You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events 
5.  Union jack underpants
6.  Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7.  You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 
8.  Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9.  Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
11. Or Scottish
     
     
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The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation 
released by the Chief of Naval Operations of a US naval ship with 
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. 
Reprinted in the Memorial University campus newsletter.
     
Americans:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
	    avoid a collision.
     
Canadians:  Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the 
	    South to avoid a collision.
     
Americans:  This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, 
	    divert your course.
     
Canadians:  NO.  I say again, you divert your course.
     
Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S. MISSOURI.  WE ARE A 
	    LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY.  DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!!
     
Canadians:  THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE.  It's your call.
     

--------------------------------------    
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food
establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available.
		   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
		   applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:    $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
		   style severance package.  If that's not possible,
		   make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:	   Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
		   Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:		   Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
		   
		   My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
		   notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:

		   It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

		   Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:   1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

		   Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate
		   environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

		   If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:

		   Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
		    "Do you have a car that runs?"


HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

		   I may already be a winner of the Publishers
		   Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.


DO YOU SMOKE?:	   Only when set on fire.


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

		   Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model
		   who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
		   Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  

		   No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.


SIGN HERE:	   Scorpio with Libra rising.

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