Subject:  THE GIRLIES PRAYER

 Our Marks
 Which art with Spencers
 Hallowed be thy foodhall
 Thy Gucci watch
 Thy Kookai bag
 In Hermes
 As it is in Harrods
 Give us each day our Visa Gold
 And forgive us our overdraft
 As we forgive those who stop our Next Card And lead us not
 into Dorothy Perkins
 And deliver us from Topshop
 For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace
 For Gaultier and Eternity
 AMEX


THE LADS' PRAYER

 Our beer,
 Which art in barrels,
 Hallowed be thy drink.
 Thy will be drunk,
 I will be drunk,
 At home as I am in the local.
 Forgive us this day our daily spillage
 As we forgive those who spillest against us.
 And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
 And deliver us from alco-pops,
 For mine is the bitter,
 the ale and the lager,
 Forever and ever;
 BARMEN

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 LICENSE TO STEAL

 Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine
 by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their
 pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
 machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They
 panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the
 machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their
 license plate still attached to the bumper.
  

 IN THE BAG
  
 A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at
 the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs
 official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a
 handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to
 demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial
 amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
  

 MADE FOR TV

 Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged
 gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old
 woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was
 sentenced to four years in jail.
  

 DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
 
 A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For
 payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his
 prison term back, plus eight more years.
 

 YOU MEAN ME?
 
 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
 waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When
 his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
  

 DEADHEADS

 A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for
 driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four
 frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be
 counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to
 qualify.
  

 THIS WOULD BE ME

 The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
 The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,
 "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the
 courtroom.
  

 LEARN YOUR LESSON

 When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
 traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge
 rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a
 schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with
 delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not
 pass through a red light' five hundred times."
  

 AHH, THAT'S BETTER!

 A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too
 far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who
 was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge
 reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
  

 OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

 A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
 creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the
 window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not
 himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
 individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well
 put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
 defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany
 it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his
 lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
 on the bench, and walked out.
  
  
 ============================================================

One morning two priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are
already in the shower they both realise they did not bring any soap.
Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap.  He checks out the
hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed, he decides to make
a run for it.

He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear, so he
makes a break for it.  Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he
spots three nuns walking towards him.  With nowhere to go, he stands
perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap hoping the nuns will
think he's a statue.  The nuns approach.

"Oh my, look at that!  Isn't that the most life like statue you've ever
seen?"  the first asks.  She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and
gives a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie.  Startled he drops the
first bar of soap.  "Oh heavens!"  She exclaimed.  "I got a bar of
soap!".
The second nun amazed at how realistic the statue looked, steps closer,
andshe gives a couple of yanks of the priest's weenie and he drops the
other bar of soap.  "My goodness!  I got a bar of soap too!".

The nuns can't believe this.  The third nun, overcome by the miracle
statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie
"My God!!  This is amazing!" she says.  "I got hand soap!"

------------------------------------

PROOF that women use photocopiers more than men.

PLEASE PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here -- keep any
and all paper clips away from the copier!  We have had two service
calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder
clip from the innards of the copier.  PLEASE be really really really
really careful around the copier.  Especially the document handler
which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.  Thanks for your
help.

-------------------------------------

Subject: FBI Pizza story


 November 2, 1997 - From a talk by R. James Woolsey, Director of
 Central Intelligence, given at a conference on global organized crime.

 "Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a
 true intercept (and this is not Saturday Night Live) that the FBI made
 of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego. It was sent to
 me by a friend of mine who used to be with counterintelligence in
 Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call."


FBI Agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was
under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of
agents worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the
investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded
by the FBI because they were taping the hospital.


Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."

Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"

Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."

Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"

Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent"

Pizza Man: "You're an FBI Agent?"

Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."

Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"

Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
       We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the
       service entrance to deliver the pizzas."

Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"

Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"

Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."

Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all this?"

Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."

Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"

Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
	bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?
	We have the front doors locked."

Pizza Man: "I don't think so."

 _____________________________________________________________________

  HIGH-TECH MAN

A man walks into a bar and sits down.
He starts dialing numbers like a telephone on his hand and talking into
his hand.  The bartender  walks over and tells him that this is a very
tough neighborhood and he doesn't want any trouble.

The man says, "You don't understand, I'm very high-tech.  I had a phone
installed in my hand, because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says, "Prove it."

The man dials a number and hands his hand over to the bartender.
The  bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

"That's incredible", says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", says the man, "I'm very high tech. I can keep in touch with my
broker, my wife, you name it.  By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room.  The guy goes in and doesn't
come out for the longest time.  Fearing the worst, given the tough
neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.  There he finds the
man spread-eagle on the wall, with his pants pulled down and a roll of
toilet paper up his arse!

"Oh my God", says the bartender.  "Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The man turns to the bartender and says,
"No, no.  I'm just waiting for a fax."
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