A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road
strayed a rooster.  Whack!  The rooster disappeared under the car in a
cloud of feathers.
     
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A
farmer appeared.  The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed
your rooster, please allow me to replace him".
     
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
_______________________________________________________________________
     
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key
in his hand.  A policeman on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you lad?"
     
"Yesss, Sssshombody stol me car!", the Irishman replies.
     
The policeman asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw
it?"
     
"It was at the end of this key."
     
About this time the policeman looks down to see that the Irishman's
member is being exhibited for all to see.
     
He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
     
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOH GOD... they got me
girl too!"
________________________________________________________________________
     
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.
     
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
     
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is
it?", calls one of the nuns.  "Blind man," replies a voice from the
other side of the door.
     
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.  "Nice
tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
________________________________________________________________________
     
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on
the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.  She fetched her
father to look at Tiddles and, on seeing the cat, he said, as gently
as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
     
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked
Lucy as she fought back the tears.  At a loss for something to say,
the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the
air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above
and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
     
Little Lucy seemed to take her cat's death quite well.  However, two
days' later, when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in
her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning".  Fearing
something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and
shouted, "How do you mean, Lucy?
     
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I
saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was
shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't
been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone,
Daddy".
________________________________________________________________________
     
A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a
customer's door saying, "I need 45 gallons of milk."  He knocked on the
door and a beautiful dumb blonde answered it.  "Is this a mistake?"  the
milkman asked. "No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said
that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
     
"Really," replied the milkman. "Do you want that pasteurized?"
     
"No, up to my tits wold be fine," she said.
     
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------------------------------

A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a Piano Player.

A scroungy looking old guy, dressed like a bum, entered the bar and told
the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't too
impressed with the looks, but figured, what the hell, and pointed the old
guy to the piano in the corner.

The old man sat down and started to play the most beautiful, melodious
piece of music the people in the bar had ever heard. All talk stopped
during the song, and when he stopped, they all applauded.

"Hey, Man, you're good," said the barkeep. What was that?

"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna fuck ya all night long.'"

"Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"

The man broke into a foot stompin' honkytonk piece that brought the bar
patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished, at which time
they again gave him a thunderous round of applause.

"You are great, Man. Really great. What do you call that one?" asked the
bartender.

"That's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer naked ass, baby, till you
scream and holler.'"

He turned around on the bench and said, "If you'll excuse me, I'd like to
use the restroom."

While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting
immediately.

He returned a moment or two later, and the bartender said, "If you want the
job, it's yours." He looked down and noticed the man hadn't "quite"
finished his trip to the restroom.

"By the way," he asked him, "do you know your dick's hanging out for all
the world to see?"

"Know it? I FUCKING WROTE IT!"
---------------------------------