Labour Pains

A married couple recently went to the hospital together to have
their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had
invented a machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's
labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed
enthusiastically. The doctor set the knob to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband
felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor
then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50%, and finally
100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the postman dead on their porch.

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A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night.  As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big
burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on". 

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right", said the husband and "don't you forget it, I'm the man
who wears the pants in this family".

With that she flipped him her panties and said "try these on".  He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "I'll never get into your panties!!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until
your attitude changes!".

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Things that make you go hmmmmmm...


How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say "Open here".  What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?  Shouldn't
they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them
what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?

The light went out, but where to ?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?

Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large
French Fry and insist on
getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi
driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the
other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss??  It
sounds like a near hit to me!!

Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because
he is a little bigger!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why can't you buy parels, but you CAN buy non-parels?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
of everything outdoors?

If progress is technology moving forward, then what is congress?

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be
"hice"?

What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?

If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when
you squeeze an orange doesn't it
become squozen?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier
to just hire taller dancers?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you
only think that you're thinking.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?


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When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A
woman already knows.
						-- Frederick Ryder

Men get laid, but women get screwed.
					-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
						-- Billy Crystal.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed.  "Please, I'll only put
it in for a minute."  What am I, a microwave?
				-- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that
we may love you instead of laugh at you.
			       -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
times; her intelligence, eight times.
						-- Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. Women do.  Women want to learn.
Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
						       -- Jerry Seinfeld

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
						       -- Anonymous

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
					-- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers
after four kisses.
				-- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men
hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
				-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let
her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have
it.
						-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and
make thousands miserable?
							-- Carrie Snow

The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
								-- Anonymous

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Q  Is it better to be born black or homosexual?
A  Black. At least you don't have to break the news to your parents.


Q Why do dogs lick their dicks?
A  Because they can!


Q What's a lousy lay?
A A man who screws you all night with a 3 inch Dick and kisses you goodbye
  with a 12 inch tongue!


Q Why do women have fingers?
A Because sheep can't type!

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