This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want
to open a fuckin' checking account!"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account
right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this
bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told
him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem
here?"
"There's no fuckin' problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million
in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn
bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said,
"and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

 ----------------------------------------------------------

A young American Indian goes up to his father Wild Wind and asks him,
"Father, why is my sister called Riding Horse?"
"Because, my son, she was conceived while we were riding a horse."
The boy considers this for a moment and then asks, "Father, why is my
brother called Fearless Snake?"
"Because he was conceived just after your mother and I had stopped
running from an angry snake, my son."
The boy's father looks at him curiously and eventually asks, "But why
all these questions, Broken Condom?"

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy was going off to his first day of school. So, his mother
told him that he couldn't talk like a baby anymore. Instead of 
"bow wow" say "dog", instead of "meow" say "cat", instead of "moo moo"
say "cow". She asked him if he could do that? Yes, he could. So he goes
off to school. 
When he gets home, the mother asks him how was school the first day. The
little boy said it was great,
"We played games, drew pictures and the teacher read us a story!"
"Oh, what story did the teacher read to you??"
"Winnie The Shit."

--------------------------------------------------
     
A man went to a busy restaurant and sat down at the only empty table. 
As he did so, he accidentally knocked the spoon off the table with
his elbow. The waiter immediately took a spoon from his pocket and 
placed it on the table. 
     
The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, 
"Do all the waiters carry
a spoon in their pockets?" 
     
The waiter answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our 
operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off
their tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the 
kitchen and can be much more efficient." 
     
Later, as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter, 
"Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your
fly?" 
     
The waiter replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were 
spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the 
bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises." 
     
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked. 
     
"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never 
touched myself I don't need to wash my hands." 
     
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get your penis back in 
your pants?" 
     
The waiter smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the 
spoon." 

------------------------------------------------

The Little Girl and HIS Bird
============================

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.  He saw a 
little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper
he was reading.

The girl cam up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied.  The little girl walked away and the guy fell
asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.  When the Police
asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.  I was laying 
on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I
know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?   Nothing.  I was
playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its
eggs, and set its nest on fire."

---------------------------------------------
One dismal rainy night in Melbourne, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
From the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.  Even before he   
rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed
the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to
see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.
"Mackinnon" answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell
are you looking at driver?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your
fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled
at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

-------------------------------------
 
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe
walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about
her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her
the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be
available to him.  The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure 
enough she shows up again  only this time alone. The guy gets up his
nerve and approaches her.
 
 "Is it true you're a prostitute?" (Always a good opening line, BTW...)
 "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
 "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
 "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
 "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
 "You see that Ferrari out there?" 

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new
Ferrari parked outside. 

 "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs.
 Trust me, it's worth it." 

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell.
He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever
had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his
miserable life.
 
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blowjobs." 
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12-storey apartment building. 
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust
me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with 
her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints -- twice.
 
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me to go all
 the way?" 
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. 
"You bet. If I were really a woman, I'd own that island!"
 
---------------------------------------

The Problem with Unions...
 
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided
to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the
Madame, "Is this a union house?"  "No, I'm sorry it isn't."   she replied.
 
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"  the union man asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
 
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable shop.  His search continued a long
time...
 
Finally, he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a
union house."
 
 "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
 
 "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
 
 "That's more like it!"  the man said.  He looked around the room and
 pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.  "I'd like her for the
 night."
 
 "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then gesturing to a fat
 sixty year old woman in the corner, she said, "but Ethel here has
 seniority."
 
----------------------------

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.  He
asks his father for help.  "Dad, can you tell me the difference between
potential and reality?"
     
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it
to you.  Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for
a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars.  Then come back and tell me what you've
learned."
     
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his
father means.  He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"  His mother looks around
slyly and then, with a little smile on her face, says, "Don't tell your
father, but, yes, I would."
     
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"  His sister
looks up and says, "O my god!  Definitely!"
     
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured
it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million dollars, but in
reality, we are living with a couple of slappers."

 =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) 

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