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A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks
he might have a tapeworm. The doctor examined the patient and
listened to the symptoms. He concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a
banana and a cake with you," said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied, and returned the
next day with a banana and a cake. The doctor said, "Okay, now drop
your trousers and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although leery about the turn of events, the patient dropped his
trousers and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one
deft motion rammed it up the guy's arse.
The doctor consulted his watch as our hero danced around the room
shouting at the physician.
"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of
the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm,"
advised doctor. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured,
so complied with the order to bend over again. The doctor took the
cake and rammed IT up the patient's brown-eye.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring
another banana and a cake," ordered the doctor. The now humbled
patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
The following day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor
rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed a cake up
his hairy starfish.
And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP went a
banana, wait one minute, then UP went a cake.
After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally said, "Well,
tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in the
banana only."
"Not a cake?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine
what was going to happen. "Nope, just a banana," confirmed the
doctor.
The last day the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine." So
the man drops his trousers and bends over. The banana goes up his
tattered windsock. The doctor looked at his watch and got out a
shotgun from behind his desk.
One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass.
Suddenly a little head poked out of the patient's arse,
"OI! WHERE'S ME FUCKIN' CAKE?!"
BANG!
------------------------------------------------
Subject: Jokes
Ok...so I haven't sent a joke in a loooooooonnnnggg time and the one I'm
sending is old...but still funny...so read it and then trash it...then
you can bitch about me sending it...
Shen
A woman's husband dies and after a few months, she decides she wants
a new husband. She submits a classified ad as follows:
"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform
to these three criteria.
1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did)
2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did)
3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)"
A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man
with no arms and no legs is sitting in a wheel chair.
She says "Yes. Can I help you?"
"I'm here about your ad in the paper," he responds.
"Which ad is that?" she replies.
He says, "The one looking for a husband."
She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..."
"Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."
"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria."
"And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no
legs."
"Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very
important..."
"Well, how do you think I rang the door bell?"
******************************************************************
There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school, in a
really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and
kicks that.
Then he walks into the house. "I saw you kick those animals", his mother
said, "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week.
For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."
The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door,
also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. The kid says to his mother,
"You want to tell him, or should I?"
******************************************************************
-----------------------------------------
The initial world cup squads have been announced. Thought you'd be
interested in them.............
BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP '98
Pinnochio
Libero
Vimto Memento Borneo Tango
Cheerio Subbuteo
Scenario Fellatio
Portfolio
SUBS: Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (r)
Hydrochlorofluoro (GK)
Aristotle
SERBIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP '98
Itch
Annoyingitch Hardtoreachitch Scratchanitch
Hic (k) Sic Spic Pric
Digaditch Fallinaditch
Sewastitch
Subs:
Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
Shagabitch
RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP '98
Whodyanicabolicov
Ticlycov Chesticov Nasticov
Slalomsky Downhillsky
Risky Swedishshev Mastershev
Fuckov Taykitov
SUBS:
Rubitov
Sodov
Pastryshev
Najinsky
Desert Orch
RUMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP '98
Chatanoogaciouciou
Atishiou Blessiou Thankyiou
Busqueue Snookercu
Pennyciou Twoapennyciou Fourapennyciou
I'llgetciou Youandwhosarmi
Subs:
U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou
Lee Kwan Yu
DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP '98
Toomanigoalssen
Tryandstopussen Crapdefenssen Haveagossen
Firstsson Seccondsson
Thirdsson
Legshurtssen Notroubleseeingussen
Wherestheballssen Getthebeerssen
SUBS:
Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen
ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP '98
Baloni
Potbelli Beerbelli Giveitsumwelli
Wotsontelli Toonsgotkenni Onetoomani
Legslikejelli Havabenni
Wobblijelli Spendapenni
SUBS:
cantthinkofani!!
Buggermi
MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP '98
San Francisco
Costa Brava Hopelez Juan Andonly Manuel gearbox
Don Criformi-Argentina Bodegas Luis Canon Sombrero
Chihuahua Jose
Subs:
Canyouseebythedawnsearlylight
Jesus Maria Don Key
Burrito
Speedy Gonzalez
Tequila
Caramba
DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP '98
Kenning van Hire
Van Diemansland Van der Valk Van Gard Van Erealdizeez
Ad van Tagus Hertz van Rental Transit van Dors
Van Coova Van Sprokendown Aye van Hoe
Subs:
Van Iller
Van Ishincreme
Van Morrison
News reaches us that Brazilian striker Fellatio no longer has a
limp. This could prove to be a major blow.
------------------------------------------
Below are actual insurance claim form gaffs. They were originally sent
out at Christmas 95 as an internal e-mail within Norwich Union, but
they have escaped.
NORWICH UNION CLAIM FORM GAFFES - MOTOR
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I
thought."
"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air
and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the
traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and
miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the
road."
"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I
realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with
a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and
another on the woman behind".
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other
car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming
to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the
first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the
groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin."
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow.
The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and
was blocked by a tanker."
"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife
while he is there. What shall I do about it?"
"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it
happened."
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have
asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped
by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey
(with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on
the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored.
Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey
disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran
into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him
again."
"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss
X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my
head through it".
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I
did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the
pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the
roof of my car!!"
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows."
-----------------------------------
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