An elderly couple were driving cross country the woman was driving.  She
gets pulled over by the highway patrol.  

He said "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" 

The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" 

The old man yells "he says you were speeding."  

The patrolman says "may I see your license?"  

The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"   

The old man yells "he wants to see your license."  

The woman gives him her license. 

The patrolman says "I see you are from Arkansas I spent some time
there once had the worst sex with women I had ever had."  

The women turns to her husband and asks "what did he say?" 

The old man yells "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

-----------------------------------------------------

 51 STUPID Lines That Might Get a Guy Slapped
 

1.  Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant
    you right here!

2.  Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3.  Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4.  Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5.  Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6.  I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7.  I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
    to you.

8.  My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and
    going....

9.  That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
    coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me
    right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me
    to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to
    "tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,
    have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you
    all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House?  You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night
    long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
    afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy:  "Would you like to dance?"
    Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
    Guy:  "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat
          in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I
    visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's
    one more going to hurt?

28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
    light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No?  Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard,
    and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all
    day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home
    without me.

40. Do you have a quarter?  My mother told me to call home when I met the
    girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread
    the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
    curves ahead, yield?

43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all
    night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?  I think he went into
    this cheap motel room.

45. Was you dad a farmer?  Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room
    for your tongue.

49. Guy:  "haven't I seen you someplace before?"
    Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the
    roof of your mouth.

51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

www.jesterscourt.co.uk
			
--------------------------
Actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) -- performance
appraisal for the military.

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
- Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
- Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes.
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

---------------------------------------------

Computer Problems...

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my
primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have
always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if
GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But
I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I
just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who
has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have
enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a
Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache,
it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you
usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0
must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has
an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try
installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it
without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install
anyway because of insufficient resources.

---------------------------------------------------