This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to
remind non-skiers why they don't ski.

1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
   for half an hour.  Afterwards, burn two $50 bills to warm up.

2. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
   your ski boots, carrying two pair of skis, accessory bag and poles.
   Pretend you are looking for your car.

3. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes
   and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

4. Buy a pair of gloves, and immediately throw one away.

5. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.
   Be sure to wait in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
   fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

7. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm,
   and your following an 18 wheeler.

8. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
   your face. You'd almost believe your skiing in back of a snowmaker.

9. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
   off because you have to go to the bathroom.

10. Repeat all of the above, every Saturday and Sunday.

-----------------------

Subject: Facelift

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result.  On his way home he stops at a
newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.  After that he
goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question,
to which the reply is,

"Oh you look about 29.?

"I am actually 47.? This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down
your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell
your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip
her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."


----------------------------

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family here, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with
a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led
him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar
bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you.  He said, "Fuck him, give him a
dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea".

-----------------------------

Are you with HBF?

A young intern was being shown around a hospital where he was to do
his tour of duty. The doctor who was giving the tour decided to show the
young upstart the 'special' wing of the hospital where some of the more
bizarre ailments were treated.

The two physicians entered the first room on the ward and witnessed a
man standing in the corner masturbating like a crazed fool.

The intern stood there, jaw agape, and asked what ailed this man. The
wise old  doctor replied: "This man has a strange imbalance that makes
him produce about ten times the normal amount of sperm and if he
doesn't relieve himself at least three times a day it could result in a
very serious testicular trauma."

The intern, still in shock, reluctantly shrugged it off, and the two
moved on.

Upon entering the second room, they witnessed a man lying on the bed
spread eagled, getting a blow job from a beautiful young nurse. the
intern again asked what was going on and the senior doctor replied simply,
"Same ailment, better Medical Cover."

------------------------

SPRING TIME


An elderly French man was slowly walking down a countryside lane,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted
a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his
initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring
time, ze air, ze flowers. c'est magnifique !!", and continued to
watch remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!!
Ze woman - she is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he
could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief. He came, out
of breath, to the Police Station and shouted, "Albert...Albert
zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field
making love". The police chief smiled and said; "Come come Henri
you are not so old. Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air,
ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!  Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing
this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station,
and, as the police car was being serviced, he ran down to the field,
confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call
the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, .. this is Albert I was in Gaston's
field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre
replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is
spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural" Albert,
still out of breath grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand ze
woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine
bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and
jumped in his car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove
back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the Police Station.
He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the other two
Frenchmen and said,  "Ah, mes amis, do not worry.  Ze woman, she
is not dead she is English."

------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches
to the Deaf Society.  All are keen to make an impression on their
audience.  The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues
starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.  When he finishes
the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen.
So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go
one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an
antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his
chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he
explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was
starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go
one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by
making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his
groin, and then masturbating furiously.  When he finished his colleagues
asked him what he was doing.  "Well" he explained, "by imitating antlers,
rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my
speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...."


------------------------------

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all
those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some
advice.  After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked
thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something,
and asked him to come back in a week. A week later King Arthur was back in
Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest
invention.  It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large
hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work
bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most
worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway.  He then inserted
it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small
guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his
Quest.  Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.  Immediately he
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers
for an informal 'short arm' inspection.  Sure enough! Each and every one of
them was either amputated or damaged in some way.
All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight!
Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.  What is it in my
power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.


----------------


A British ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small town
and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures
he'll have a little fun...

Ventriloquist:  "Hey, good looking dog, mate.  Mind if I speak to him?"
Australian:     "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Pom."
Ventriloquist:  "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog:            "Doin' alright."
Australian:     *extreme look of shock*
Ventriloquist:  "Is this Aussie your owner?" *pointing at Aussie*
Dog:            "Yep"

Ventriloquist:  "How does he treat you?"
Dog:            "Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me greatfood,
		and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Australian:     *look of disbelief*

Ventriloquist:  "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Australian:     "Horse doesn't talk either."

Ventriloquist:  "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse:          "Cool."
Australian:     *extreme look of shock*

Ventriloquist:  "Is this your owner? "*pointing at Aussie*
Horse:          "Yep"

Ventriloquist:  "How's he treat you?"
Horse:          "Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me regularly,
		brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect
		me from the elements."
Australian:     *total look of amazement*
Ventriloquist:  "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Australian:     "THAT SHEEP'S A FUCKING LIAR!!!"