Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor
they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them
into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's
penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins
to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of
control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal
weakness." The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around the
second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils.

As the last veil drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand
your carnal desires. Go ... take a long, cold shower and pray for
forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate.

Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response.

Finally, exhausted, she quits. "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,"
says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to
become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

*Ting-a-ling*

-----------------------------------------------

Two builders (Fred and Bill) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. 

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit"... 

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."  
Bill: "No way  he's a stockbroker." 
Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!" 
      
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he
sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several
schooners get the better of the builder... 
      
Fred: "Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
      wondering what you do for a living?" 
      
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! 
      
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"  Suit: "I'll try to explain by  
      example.....Do you have a goldfish at  home?" 
      
Fred: "Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!" 
      
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
      pond.  Which is it?" 
      
Fred: "It's in a pond!" 
      
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
      garden then?' 
      
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!" 
      
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you
      have a large garden and that you have a large house?" 
      
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it
      myself!" 
      
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
      to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you
      are quite probably married?" 
      
Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!" 
      
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
      with your wife on a regular basis?" 
      
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!" 
      
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
      very often?" 
      
Fred: "Me? Never!" 
      
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!" 
      
Fred: "How's that then?" 
      
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
      about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family
      and your sex life!" 
      
Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!" 
      
Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate. 
      
Bill: "I see the suit was in there did you ask him what he does?" 
      
Fred: "Yep ! He's a logical scientist!" 
      
Bill: "What's that then?" 
      
Fred: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?" 
      
Bill: "Nope?" 
      
Fred: "Well then Bill, you're a Wanker!"

-------------------------------

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says,

"You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we
split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike
south and spend the day looking around. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and
share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into
a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.
Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I
watched deer come and drink from the stream.  The wildflowers were filled
with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied
to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way
all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came
back to camp."

"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"

"No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head."

---------------------------------------

One evening George and Bob are sitting at their favorite bar.  Both
have consumed several beers and are feeling emboldened.  

Bob turns to George and says, "George, you're ugly.  You smell funny.
You've got bad teeth.  Your hair is falling out.  You've got a beer
gut.  One leg is shorter than the other.  And when we were at the gym,
I saw that you're hung more like a cat than a bull.  But George, you
always get the best looking girls!  How do you do it, George?  How do
you do it?"

George turns to Bob, casually licks his eyebrow, and says, "I don't
know,  Bob."

-----------------------------------------

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
   to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: How do you keep a man from raping you?
A: Throw him the remote control.

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass and the
   other's a chimpanzee.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: Why did God create man?
A: She didn't. Her husband did.

Q: How do you confuse a man?
A: Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out

Q: Why did god make women so stupid?
A: Someone had to like men!

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: What's that ugly lump of flesh called on the end of a penis?
A: A man.

Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands
   who end up playing with them!

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock

Q: What is the perfect man?
A: A gingerbread man... He's sweet, he's quiet and if he gives you any
   crap, you can bite his head off!

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
A: So they can get some air to their brains.

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: one... men will screw anything

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?
A: So they can tell if they're Coming or Going...

Q: How many men does it take to put the seat down?
A: Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet.

Q: Why do women keep their eye's closed when they're being screwed?
A: Because they can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Q: How can you tell when a man wants sex?
A: He's breathing.

Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: You can hear him snoring.

Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What men know about women.

Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What is a man's idea of fore play?
A. Half an hour of begging.

Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phones home.

Q. What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A. A pizza and a six pack.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know, it has never happened.

--------------------------------------------