An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking
(as they do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she
went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on
sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is
thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17 000 on a new car,"
he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they
both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife
just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag,
and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even
have a penis!

------------------------------

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54321.2. We have arrived at a previously
unexplored planet near the edge of our galaxy and I have sent the entire
crew to the surface to investigate, with the exception of poor old
Scotty.

SUPPLEMENTAL: An unfortunate occurence took place when we were on the
surface. An alien creature approached us. On my orders Lt Chekov fired
his phaser. The creature, however was too quick for him and beat a hasty
retreat, showering us with clouds of dust. The beam was intercepted by
Mr. Sulu, who was unhurt, however despite the phaser being set only to
stun, he was covered in a layer of what looked like black soot. I have
ordered that he be beamed back to sick bay immediately.

SUPPLEMENTAL by MR. SPOCK: I too attempted to shoot the creature,
however the creature outran my phaser beam. The beam hit a piece of rock
above where the captain was standing. The rock was dislodged and fell on
top of him. Fortunately, the Captain was unhurt, however he was hammered
hard into the ground by the weight of the rock and is now in sick bay,
receiving medical attention from Dr. McCoy.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54322.5 Mr Spock has come up with a plan to
capture the creature. We have put a large amount of birdseed out with
several large signs pointing to it. The birdseed is on top of a trapdoor,
below which is an aluminium chute down to a cage in which we hope to
capture the creature. Meanwhile Scotty has been showing me the new ACME
pressure cooker which we intend to use once the creature has been captured.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54322.7 The plan failed. The creature ate all the
birdseed without activating the trapdoor. Mr Spock says the trap will work
after a few minor adjustments have been made. Mr. Sulu and I have been
passed fit for duty by Dr. McCoy although he wants to keep us under
observation for the next few days.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54323.4 I have sent Sociologist Xontel with
a team to pursue and capture the creature. However the chase led them
across where Mr. Spock had just finished making the adjustments to his
trap. We are now attacking the cage with our phasers in an attempt to
release them as the lock was damaged by Sociologist Xontel's foot as he
fell. I consider this to be a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it
"fascinating".

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54323.1 Dr. McCoy is preparing a hypo from a
mixture of various drugs and chemicals he found in unlabelled bottles in
sick bay. He hopes to produce a drug that will enable us to run at the
same speed as the creature and thus capture it. Meanwhile Scotty informs
me that the dilithium crystals are running low, so I have sent a team to
search for crystals on the surface of the planet.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54323.4 Dr. McCoy was in the process of
administering the drug to himself when the creature came up behind him and
made a loud noise, that sounded like "BEEP BEEP!" This so startled
Dr. McCoy that he injected the entire contents of the hypo into his arm.
Hopefully they will be able to find him when he slows down as the effects
of the drug wear off.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54323.8 It has been observed that the creature
seems to travel along set routes across the planet's surface. Perhaps we
will be able to trap it in a tunnel through which it appears to travel
regularly.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54324.2 Mr. Sulu's tricorder registered unusually
high readings on a cliff top in an area which the creature does not appear
to have visited yet. On further examination he and Mr. Spock found a box
of ACME dilithium crystals. However the cliff top gave way and they fell
several hundred feet but were unhurt. Unfortunately during their fall,
they overtook the piece of rock they had been standing on.  It landed on
them, burying them completely. I have sent an excavation team to rescue
them.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54324.5 Lt. Chekov led a team into the tunnel in
an attempt to capture the creature. On entering the tunnel, he ordered the
team to spread out and draw their phasers. I would like to make it clear
that I will not hold Lt Chekov responsible for what happened next as I
would have done the same thing myself. No one could have foreseen the old
Earth-style freight train that appeared in the tunnel at that moment.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 54325.0 Now we are all safely back on board the
Enterprise, I have decided that the best way to capture the creature is
by spreading a high intensity phaser beam over large portions of the
planet's surface.

SUPPLEMENTAL: Unfortunately, the energy required for the phaser beam
proved too much for the ACME dilithium crystals. Fine black lines spread
out over the outside of the ship. Next the Enterprise began to disintegrate
and the pieces fell to the surface, leaving the entire crew suspended
several hundred miles above the air with puzzled looks on our faces.
One by one, each of us began to fall to the surface.  First our feet would
fall, then our bodies and finally our heads, each face carrying an
increasing look of resignation. On reaching the surface, we each made deep
impressions in the ground, though remarkably none of us was hurt.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, Stardate 54325.3 WE are attempting to communicate with the
creature that we only wanted to capture it for scientific research purposes.
Meanwhile mr. Spock has made a crude rocket launcher out of the remains of
the Enterprise. We are sending these few pages of notes on the rocket in
the hope that someone may come and rescue us.

Captain James T. Kirk,
United Federation of Planets Starship Enterprise NCC1701.


-------------------

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with
cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,

"Uncle John!  Come quick!  The bull is fucking the cow!"

Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that
a certain decorum is required.

"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth
you picked up in the City." he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are
entertaining.

"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says,

"Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A
bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know...".

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"

----------------------

A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of
prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could
convict someone on circumstantial evidence.

The farmer responded, "No way in hell could I do that!!"

The attornery asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied
that he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence.  The
attorney asked him to explain.

"Well sir," the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie
one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with
her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took
them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry.

Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I
sat back down and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the
pail with her left front foot.  So I tied that one down to the floor as
well.  She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet
so I tied both of them to the floor...

Well, I thought I things under control until she whipped her tail
around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I
moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of
tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and
boots and my wife walked into the barn!!

No Sir!! I do not believe in circumstantial evidence!

-----------------------

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.
The doctors asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go
behind the screen and remove her clothes.  She was a bit shocked but went
ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and
facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if
it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the
doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and
when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her
private parts.  After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type
noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

After she had the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause
of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before
going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

--------------------------------

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks.  There's already one asshole in there."

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?"
HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
   and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who
   play with them the most.

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done?"
Three words women hate to hear when having sex... "Honey, I'm home!"

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A; Sexual Harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman is doing while a guy is screwing her.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's the difference between Pee-Wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: What is another term for Lesbian?
A: Vagitarian

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme

Q: What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stem?
A: A fungi to be with.


------------------

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three naked and
very black men sitting on a park bench.  What was unusual was that the men
on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had
a very pink penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out,
the artist walked by and noticed their confusion.

 "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

 "Well yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this painting of the
 black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink
 penis?"

 "Oh" said the artist "I'm afraid you misunderstood the painting.  The
 three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the
 middle went home for lunch..."

----------------------

A lady goes into the bridal shop and wants a white wedding dress made
for her fourth marriage.  The clerk exclaims,

"You can't have a white dress for your fourth marriage!"

The lady asks, "Why?"

The clerk explains, "Well, white dresses are for virgins. You've been
married three times before so therefore you can't possibly want a white
dress..."

"I can too," says the lady, "because my first husband was a gynecologist
and all he wanted to do was look at it.  My second husband was a
psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.  My third husband
was a stamp collector, GOD I MISS HIM ....."