A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at
the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."

"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"

"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tommorrow when my husband
is at work."

So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do
whatever it was they did (!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a
little distraught:

"Was my best friend here today?"

"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.

"And did  he leave $1000?"

"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.

"Oh good, what a pal he is. He came in this morning and
asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised
to return it this afternoon!"

----------------------

A deaf couple  were having a hard time communicating in bed due to the
fact that they cannot see each other's sign language in the dark.

The wife said to her husband,"Honey, let's make a rule.  If you want to
have sex with me, squeeze my left breast one time.  If you do not want
to have sex with me, squeeze my right breast one time. What do you think?"

The husband says, "Good rule. Now, honey, if you DO want to have sex
with me, pull my penis one time.  If you do NOT want to have sex with me,
pull my penis fifty times."

-----------------------

 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class


1.  Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
    noises.

2.  After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
    attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was
    the last day to drop.

3.  After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream:
    "MY PACEMAKER!"

4.  Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5.  Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
    and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6.  Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
    question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
    hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

7.  If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand
    them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the Lecture,
    Mr. Smartypants?"

8.  Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
    with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while
    muttering "tsk, tsk".

9.  Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
    your butt looks fat.

11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
    Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline
    number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
    questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
    "Sex Machine."

16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
    would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone
    book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you
    as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as "worm".

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
    single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any
    moment.

21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin
    singing spirituals.

22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
    as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
    name, rank, and serial number.

24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce
    that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
    question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space
    for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your
    sentence and proceed normally.

27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone
    asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions
    with your hands.

28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and
    ask students to "sit back and groove".

31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
    projects.

32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all
    their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee"
    and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to
    the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
    number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in
    place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
    intervals.

37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
    assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every
    ten minutes.

41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or
    "fake the funk".

42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
    them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral
    hygiene.

44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
    required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1,
    Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
    Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to
    keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about
    "that bug I picked up in the field".

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,
    "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

-----------------------------------------------

The Shit List


1.  Ghost shit--the kind where you feel the shit come out but there is
    no shit in the toilet. 

2.  Clean shit--the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but
    there is nothing on the toilet paper. 

3.  Wet shit--the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels
    unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and
    your underwear so you don't ruin your pants with a stain. 

4. Second Wave--It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled
   your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.

5. Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit--the kind where you strain so much
   you practically have a stroke. 

6. Richard Simmons shit--you shit so much you lose 30 pounds. 

7. Lincoln Log shit--the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush
   without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. 

8. Gassy shit--It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling. 

9. Corn shit--self explanatory. 

10. Gee-I-wish-I-could-shit shit--the kind where you want to shit, but
    all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times. 

11. Spinal tap shit--that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear
    it was leaving you sideways. 

12. Wet cheek shit--(the power dump!)the kind that comes out of your butt
    so fast your cheeks get splashed with water. 

13. Liquid shit--the kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and
    splatters all over the toilet bowl. 

14. Mexican food shit--it smells so bad the room must be condemned. 

15. Upper class shit--the kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell. 

16. Fisherman's bobber shit--the kind where you are in a public restroom,
    there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two
    times, but several golf ball size pieces are still floating at the
    water line. 

17. Ambush shit--the kind that never happens at home, but usually at a
    party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart--just
    a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged
    for the rest of the day. 

18. Drunken shit--the kind you have the morning after a long night of
    drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom
    of the toilet. 

19. Champagne Shit--you're so constipated that by the time the cork blows,
    a bubbly liquid streams from your ass. 

20. Kling-On Shit--The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there
    waiting on the edge. 

21. Blow Out Shit--The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you
    have to check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks. 

22. Exorcist Shit--The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of
    your ass and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet.
    (See Liquid Shit) 

23. Peek-A-Boo Shit--It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes
    back out, goes back in, etc. (This shit is playing games with you)

24. Pregnancy Shit--The kind where you're really backed up and it makes
    you grunt and wheeze for a long while until it finally splits your
    crack in a child bearing fashion.(See Pop-a-Vein Shit, Spinal Tap Shit)

25. Rabbit Shit--It comes in cute, round portions, but there's loads of it
    about. Actually, you're never really finished, but stop at some point
    from boredom. 

26. Alphabet Shit--It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and
    when you look at it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the
    letter ...?" 

27. Feminist Shit--No matter what it looks like or how it comes out,
    it's a man's fault. 

28. Blowtorch Shit--Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that
    it's flammable. (usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much
    spicy food) 

29. Dual Density Shit--The kind where some shit floats and some shit
    sinks to the bottom of the bowl. 

30. Ribbon Shit--A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a
    Lincoln Log Shit but not runny enough to be a Liquid Shit.  Rather,
    it looks like a 1 inch wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some
    specks of color. 

31. The Public Shit--Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist
    stench that embraces you when you enter a less than sanitary public
    restroom. 

32. Little Boy Shit--Shit powerful enough to level a small city. 

33. Flood Shit--You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and
    ends up flooding your bowl and running out all over the place,
    leaving you to clean up a brown, pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if
    John Mellencamp does a relief concert to help cleanup efforts)

34. Dream Shit--When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is
    the shit that you'll be dreaming about. 

35. Concrete Shit--This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the
    toilet in 14 days. 

36. Surgery Shit--After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery
    because your ass is torn apart so badly.

---------------------------------

=========================================
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
=========================================

10.  I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker!

9.  While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

8.  I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7.  Her tits are just too big.

6.  Sometimes I just wanna be held.

5.  That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.

4.  Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

3.  We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and
    I can hold your purse.

2.  Fuck Monday Night Football! Let's watch Murphy Brown.

1.  I think we are lost. We better pull over and ask for directions.
 

-----------------------------------------

                   THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
                   
1.  Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
    club and two balls.

2.  Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
    keep the balls out of the hole.

4.  For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
    Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play
    begins.

5.  Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
    to avoid damage to the hole.

6.  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
    the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
    Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
    course again.

7.  It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
    arrival at the course.  The experienced player will normally take
    time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well
    formed bunkers.

8.  Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
    or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
    Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for
    this reason.

9.  Players are encouraged to have proper raingear along just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
    scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
    first time.  Previous players have been known to become irate if they
    discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
    Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
    temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely
    tactfull in this situation.  More advanced players will find
    alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
    attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to
    proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's
    request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several
    times in one match.
 
----------------------------

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he
decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic,
but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and
bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents,
the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with
this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your sister I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short
ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the
pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again.  When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting
them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think
how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S.
The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

---------------------------------

Pizza Ordering

1.  If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
    person taking the order to stop doing that.

2.  Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3.  Use CB lingo where applicable.

4.  Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5.  Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6.  Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're
    going with the lowest bidder.

7.  Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8.  Answer their questions with questions.

9.  In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and
    ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED,
    COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
    Master of Puppets CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask
    for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called
    you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would
    like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from
    an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters'
    Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself
    and say, "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay,
    that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh
    of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
    sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well,
    so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer
    proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask,
    "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
    When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
    GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a guitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
    behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
    surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
    ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
    Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where
    was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
    these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and
    didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
    fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
    in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed
    by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . .
    action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this
    time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
    Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
    be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to
    get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
    description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt
    that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
    intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from
    some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent
    orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
    say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
    say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
    respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
    again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't
    get it, do you?"

84. When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
    hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out,
    won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
    embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
    he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
    background.  Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your
    time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
     your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

-------------------------------