20 Things To In A Public Toilet


1.  Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, 
    "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.  Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3.  Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a 
    bodily function noise.
4.  Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5.  Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!  My glass eye!"
6.  Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7.  Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope 
    into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.
8.  Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9.  Say, "Humous.  Reminds me of humous."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically 
    under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,
    "Whoa!  Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of 
    toiletpaper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.
    Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush into the stall with your 
    hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you 
    squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.  Apologize
    profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now 
    what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt 
    cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
    "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
    adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you 
    can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born 
    Free".

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50 THINGS TO DO IN K-MART

1.  Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
    stranding them at strategic locations.
2.  Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.  Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout
    the day.
4.  Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5.  Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
    fresheners.
6.  Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7.  Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8.  Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9.  When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
    narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,
    "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn
    the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi!  I haven't seen you in so
    long!..." etc.  See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough
    for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for
    a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
    Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
    playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized
    and say, "Wow.  Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
    invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
    aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
    "...I'm Batman.  Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
    "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
    yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are
    any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield
    with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk
    if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
    "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
    Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
    funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly
    make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
    position and scream, "No, no!  It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
    the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't
    get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

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Men and Women

God was just about done creating the universe when he realized that he
had a couple of left-over things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by
to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing,"  God told the
couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree.  "I was
wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped up like a cork. Jumping up and begging,
"Oh, give that to me! I'd  love to be able to do that! It seems the sort
of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have
that ability.  I'd be so great!  When I'm working in the garden or naming
the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it
be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......."

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if
Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given the  ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was.  And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

------------------------------------------

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter
of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.  This is the
Bricklayer's report ...a true story.
 
 
Dear Sir;
 
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block #3 of the accident reporting form.  I put "Poor Planning" as the
cause of my accident.  You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
 
I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my work,
I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to
weigh 240 lbs.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to
lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of
the building at the sixth floor.
 
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks.

You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.  In the vicinity of
the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an
equally impressive speed.  This explains the fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident
reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I
mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.  Fortunately by this time
I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the
rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
 
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of
the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.  I refer you again to
my weight.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of
the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body. 

Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
 
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me,
I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and
I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me....
     

And then this one.....

Abrahan Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. 
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. 

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. 
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. 
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. 
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. 

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. 

Both were assassinated by Southerners. 
Both were succeeded by Southerners. 

Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. 
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. 
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their 
trials.

The truth is out there...
The world is an amazing place.

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