Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer.  His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 
     
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife 
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. 

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh, Bill, you didn't." 

"Yes, I did." 

"My God, Bill, what happened?" 

"I got fired." 

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh...she got fired too." 
     
-------------------------- 
     

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ? 
     
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !" 
     
--------------------------

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister
Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the
old nun had instructed her to do so. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also
instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do
whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily.  "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where
he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured of salvation and eternal peace.  And then Father John guided his
Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

----------------------

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him
and asked

"What are you in here for, buddy?"

The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a
really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in
it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I
peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet
and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you
here for?" they asked.

"Well," said the third dog,"my owner likes to do her housework in the
nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum
under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
had the ride of my life!"

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep,
too, huh?"

"No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

-----------------------------------------

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn't want
to go, but the family insists.

On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse
enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she
climbs aboard.

The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind.
Now he LIKES the retirement home.

The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face
first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and
sodomises the old man.

The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer
likes the retirement home.

"But yesterday you told me you loved it there..." says the son.

"Yeah, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but
I fall down nearly every day."

--------------------------------------

If You Are Unhappy

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming swallow who decided not to fly
south for the winter. However, the weather turned cold and he reluctantly
started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he
fell to earth into a barnyard, almost frozen.  Thinking this was the end,
he prepared for his death.  Just then a cow wandered by and crapped on him.
The swallow thought his luck couldn't get any worse, but the manure warmed
him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to
sing.

Just then, a large cat came by, following the birdsong, cleared away the
manure, found the bird, and ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

---------------------------------------------------------


TOP 20 REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1.  You can get chocolate.
2.  "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3.  Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4.  You can safely have chocolate while driving.
5.  You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6.  You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7.  If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate will not mind.
8.  Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty
    names.
9.  The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during work hours without
    upsetting your mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good. 

--------------------------------------------------

				Q & A

Q: What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Porche owner?
A: With a Porcupine, the prick is on the outside!

Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him!

Q: Did you hear about the man who ate his son?
A: He didn't know his wife was pregnant!

Q: What's the difference between a pervert and a kinky person?
A: A kinky person uses a feather, a pervert uses the whole chicken!

Q: What goes "Marc, Marc?"
A: A dog with a hair lip!

Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Manipulating the wheelchair!

Q: What's red and has seven dents?
A: Snow White's cherry!

Q: How can you tell a head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A: Toy for Twats!


-------------------------------------------

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2. 

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. 

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just
stay on the line until we can trace the call. 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will 
tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No
one will answer.


----------------------------------------

There  is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet.  If
you receive an e-mail message with the subject line 'Free Money' DO NOT
read the message.  DELETE it immediately.  UNPLUG your computer, then
BURN IT to ashes in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE.  Your computer will
begin to emit a vile ODOUR.  Then it will secret a foul, milky DISCHARGE.
Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of
1000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your desk from
co-workers and bosses alike.

After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch
through your office window as it streaks into the night, HOWLING like
a BANSHEE.  Once free, it will spend the rest of its days CRUSHING
household PETS and MOCKING THE POPE.


----------------------------------------


This farmer had 3 daughters.  One evening all 3 of them had dates. The
doorbell rang.  The farmer went to the door and asked who it was.
The guy answered,

"It's Joe.  I'm here for Flo to take her to the show.  Is she ready to go?"

The farmer yelled to Flo and off they went. Half an hour later, the
doorbell rang.  The farmer went to the door and asked who it was.  The guy
answered,

"It's Freddie.  I'm here for Betty to take her for spaghetti.
Is she ready?"

The farmer called to Betty and off they went.  Half an hour later, the
doorbell rang.  The farmer went to the door and asked  who it was.

The guy answered, "It's Chuck."

The farmer shot him.

----------------------------------

Men in the doghouse

Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from
their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score"
from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some
things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:


Simple Duties

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings   +5
....but return with beer   -5


You check out a suspicious noise at night   0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing   0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something   +5

You pummel it with a six iron   +10

It's her father   -10


Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party   0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college

drinking buddy   -2
....named Tiffany   -4
....Tiffany is a dancer   -6
....Tiffany has implants   -8


Saturday Afternoons


You visit her parents   +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation   +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television   -3
....and the television is off   -6


You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear   -6
....and you didn't even go to college   -10
....and it's not really your underwear   -15


Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner   0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar   +1

Okay, it is a sports bar   -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night   -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team   -10


You give her a gift   0

You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance   -10

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate   +2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months   +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day   -10
....with her credit card   -30
....and whatever you bought is two sizes too big   -40


A Night Out with Your Pals

You have a few beers   -9
....points for every beer after three   -2
....and miss curfew by an hour   -12

You get home at 3am   -20

You get home at 3am smelling of booze and cheap cigars -30
....and not wearing any pants   -40

Is that a tattoo?   -200


Driving

You lose the directions on a trip   -4

You lose the directions and end up getting lost   -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town   -15

You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt   -60


Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression   0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes   +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or
picking up a newspaper   +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep   -10


If you scored more than 0:
You are a sad bloke and will thrown out of the club immediately...

Between 0 and -10:
Get a life... Dominate! i.e. She gets the beer...

Less than -10:
Nice one...

----------------------------------------------

	20 Reasons Dogs don't use computers

20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
    www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable
    Thumb.
9)  Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8)  'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7)  Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6)  SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5)  SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4)  Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3)  Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2)  Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1)  TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.


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