Another Immaculate Conception?
A mother and her daughter are at the gynecologist's office. The mother
asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her,"
the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing
whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you,
dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently
he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring
until the mother felt compelled to ask,
"Doctor, is there something wrong out here?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see
if another one was going to show up."
---------------------------------------------------
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to
enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and
were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as
if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out
over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
--------------------------------------
Allegedly a true story......
A friend of a friend of a friend was a passenger onboard a Northwest
Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane "Bob" which hit the East Coast
of the USA. The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but
it was pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight
attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about
half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little
plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the
turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves,
and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.
Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it
fine, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our
trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight
crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation,
and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.
"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of
good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now"
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the
captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called
after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
-------------------------------------------------
A truck driver liked to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP", and then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch
hiking. He thought he would pull over and see if the priest wanted a ride.
He pulled over and then asked, "where are you going father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest."
"No problem father, said the trucker, I'll give you a lift, climb in the
truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him, but at the last second,
swerved back onto the road, just missing the lawyer.
However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a
loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in
his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said,
"I'm sorry father, I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
------------------------------------------------
Blind Flight
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to
be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide
dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort
of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and
the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each
other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking
desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is
a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once,
and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
------------------------------------------
Top ten reasons college is like preschool...
10. You cry for your mother.
9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you
look like (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
4. You wear big mittens.
3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
2. You take naps.
1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.
----------------------------------------
A salesman is called into his bosses office.
His Boss says, "Paul, have a seat. As you know, this financial year is
not going well. Sales are down, along with productivity. Our costly
advertising campaign is not generating enough interest and we're looking
to cut costs.
"Anyway, all that is besides the point. No-one likes you and
you're fired."
----------------------------------------
Paddy is walking across a building site and sees the foreman pouring
coffee from a Thermos.
"What's that you've got there, foreman?" says Paddy.
"It's a Thermos," says the foreman.
"And what does that do?" asks Paddy.
"Well", says the foreman, "if you put anything hot in it then it stays
hot, and if you put anything cold in it then it stays cold."
"I'll be a monkey's uncle," says Paddy, "I must get myself one of those."
Next days Paddy is sitting having his lunch when in comes Mick.
"What's that there, Paddy?" asks Mick.
"Wouldn't you know, it's a Thermos," says Paddy.
"And what does that do?" asks Mick.
"Well", says Paddy, "if you put anything hot in it then it stays hot,
and if you put anything cold in it then it stays cold".
"That's marvelous", says Mick, "and what have you got in there?"
"Well," says Paddy, "Two cups of tea and some ice-cream."
------------------------------------------
Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office
10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferret.
9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.
8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.
7. Hard to concentrate with all those "60 Minutes" reporters
hanging around.
6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.
5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.
4. Instead of White-Out, you're encouraged to use mayonnaise.
3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos
stop smiling.
2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.
1. No desk chairs -- everybody squats.
------------------------------------
(from www.myboss.com)
Various Real-Life Work Horror Stories and Policies
New company policy:
You cannot work at a job that is rated higher than your current competency
level. You cannot be rated at a higher competency level until you have
worked at a job rated at that level. You can not improve your competency
level through training.
---
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."
---
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to
ask for it!"
---
I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the
possibility of canceling the fire insurance and buying a used fire truck
for the employees to man.
---
To my previous Boss of 3 painful years: I worship the ground that
awaits you.
---
Quote from a recent interview:
"You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of
education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really
required for this job."
---
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for a Monday.
When I told my Boss he said that she died so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
---------------------------------
Signs You are Too Stressed Over Work:
- Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest
that you should get some rest.
- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that
you have said it before.
- The Sun is too loud.
- Trees begin chasing you.
- You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
- You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip
solution of espresso.
- You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption
of coffee.
- You can hear mimes.
- You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
- Things becomes "Very Clear".
- You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that
you have said it before.
- You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channeler s can
understand.
- The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
- You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only
one in the room.
- Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
- You and Reality file for divorce.
- You can skip without a rope.
- It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
- You have great revelations concerning Life, the Universe, and
Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the
white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
- You can travel without moving.
- Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
- You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
- You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you
are talking to.
- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that
you have said it before...
- Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted,
it was like losing your best friend.
----------------------------------------
Did you know Louise Woodward is to be the new Spice Girls Manager?
Apparently shes thinking of dropping baby spice!
----------------------------------------
|
